Poshua: I am special
Poshua: Regis Philbin's recorded voice told me so

chiIled: Other Posts You May Like

* Naked Pizza Delivery (NSFW)
* Guinness World Records - Worst mouse plague ever
* Prague’s Franz Kafka named worst airport in the world
* Lucky takes off her jean jacket
* Police brutality at a council meeting

counter23feit: i don't think anyone knows me as well as my youtube recommendations



counter23feit: this weekend my cousin's 6-year-old son was making fun of me for not having written a book yet
counter23feit: so i took him outside to play basketball and blocked a bunch of his shots to make myself feel better

AmericanQuixote: To be fair, I don't know if those are discrete economic entities
[PAUSE]
AmericanQuixote: entities
AmericanQuixote: it has the word 'tities' in it

hangwidave: It's weird
hangwidave: the more I read about other races the more I hate them

Guess the context, Round 6
chiIled: it's like white uganda

missbishop: i once deleted all evidence of an ex from my gmail archive
missbishop: i am a slash and burn type of serial monogamist

TunnelArmr: hey I need your help
counter23feit: (reaching for bulletproof vest)
TunnelArmr: identifying music that sounds like it's from a video game
TunnelArmr: but I can't remember which one
counter23feit: (sadly putting bulletproof vest back in file cabinet beneath spare mousepad)

clairecalz: i dont think there has ever been a time when i was awake and you weren't awake
clairecalz: you're like my grandmother

gorgeousmayday: i took a break from painting a robot to paint a panda
gorgeousmayday: and then i realized my life didn't turn out the way i had expected

AmericanQuixote: a good rule of thumb: no more than three angels on your rap album cover

counter23feit: wow you know what's depressing
counter23feit: street view in new orleans

TunnelArmr: John Tesh has an album called Sax On The Beach
counter23feit: that is the Teshest possible double entendre

counter23feit: if you search youtube for 9/11 and sort by view count, the #1 video is still rick astley

TunnelArmr: which movie character is sarah palin most like?
counter23feit: babe, pig in the city

TunnelArmr: it says "how to hypnotize a man" and then is just a picture of a woman's ass
AmericanQuixote: I hope you snopes.com-ed it
AmericanQuixote: you can never trust chain emails

counter23feit: i don't trust women's investigative ability with regard to porn
counter23feit: it's like asking your mom to describe a video game to you

counter23feit: i think india has the highest ratio of "horribleness" to "white people i know going there on vacation"

gorgeousmayday: i will murder my own fetus for a burrito right now

AmericanQuixote: Are you going to turn into some weird Howard Hughes-style nutcase? Because it sounded to me like you just said you think there is a loophole that will get you into heaven by storing your semen in the freezer.

AmericanQuixote: Dude
AmericanQuixote: if I die without riding a jetski in a tuxedo
AmericanQuixote: i don't think I will have truly lived

AmericanQuixote: I wonder if the high five was invented on the day that early man discovered he had driven neanderthals to extinction

AmericanQuixote: Is it racist to think that black people remind me of african animals

chiIled: i dont think any link better sums up the dark side of internet culture than this one
chiIled: a link to a youtube video
chiIled: "Brother and sister fight with nipple slip (1:40)"

Oroko Saki 69: i applied to be a mall santa claus today
Oroko Saki 69: depending on how you look at it, it could be the lowest point in my life, or the highlight

The night before the 2008 election:
counter23feit: i feel like it's christmas eve, except there's a small possibility that when i unwrap my presents in the morning, it could be a creationist science textbook

gorgeousmayday: what i'm trying to say is
gorgeousmayday: I want hitler to be my new BFF

counter23feit: if you were black and invented a time machine
counter23feit: you pretty much couldn't risk going anywhere in the US or Europe before the mid-19th century
counter23feit: and even if you went before colonial times the indigenous people would just think you were some kind of demon
counter23feit: in conclusion, i would say that it is unlikely that a black person will invent a time machine

AmericanQuixote: I had to kill a mouse this morning
AmericanQuixote: I put it in a bag and beat it to death with a beer bottle
AmericanQuixote: it was a metaphor for life

Guess the context, Round 5
counter23feit: if i had to rank them it would be
counter23feit: 1) bangladesh, 2) jousting, 3) hijackers, 4) rape, 5) iceberg

eleni: i think we're going to the burlington hotel in november
TunnelArmr: to honor america's veterans?
eleni: nah to drink


counter23feit: do you think it would be possible to market preston in gay porn as "the Sun Bear of the Sierra Nevadas"

counter23feit: i'm going to see how many times i have to vote to bump your score up .01
counter23feit: wait, i can only vote once?
counter23feit: WHAT KIND OF SYSTEM IS THIS?

counter23feit: i would rather have a president who had committed voluntary manslaughter like Nicolas Cage in Con Air than a Mormon president

"If you go to the beach and there are little kids running around naked and you film them and put it on the internet, is that illegal?" -My Brother

gorgeousmayday: I'm going to file all this under vaginas: unpleasant appearance of, shallowness of, and lack of.

On Japan:
AmericanQuixote: Dude, for a country that is all about respect and saving face and killing yourself if you are publicly humiliated
AmericanQuixote: they will do ANYTHING on TV

hangwidave: that's really a rap faux pas
hangwidave: as was pointed out when guys on our team would try to freestyle
hangwidave: and one guy went down the dangerous road of trying to rhyme something with Texas
hangwidave: it's doable, but you have to be quick on your feet
hangwidave: he wasn't
hangwidave: doubled up on the Texas
hangwidave: and has never lived it down
hangwidave: his blackness was downgraded

gorgeousmayday: I didn't even know Rape Organizer was a job
gorgeousmayday: I am so behind on this year's gay trends

TunnelArmr: how do you feel about a restaurant called "You Got Served" where the waitstaff breakdances your food to you
gorgeousmayday: sounds messy, and extremely fly

gorgeousmayday: I bet your version of heaven is a nickel arcade patronized by people and animals you've seen on the internet



sanfrankam: do you know the reason i want to come to your wedding, noah?
sanfrankam: because you will publicly express emotions that are not sarcasm

TunnelArmr: so just to clarify
TunnelArmr: you want to go to massachusetts to get gay-married
TunnelArmr: and then on the way back from our wedding
TunnelArmr: make a pit stop in a second state
TunnelArmr: just to fuck in front of that state's governor?
AmericanQuixote: Well, maybe I don't want to do that, but I wouldn't say no either

counter23feit: wedding photographer:photographer::Happy Meal toy designer:sculptor

chiIled: this quiznos sandwich is so NOT toasted that i am outraged!

counter23feit: how many hookers do you think senators have killed over the course of america's history?
counter23feit: i bet it's more than 5

Poshua: I think the two best things that people have said to me when urging me to consider renting in the marginal gentrifying neighborhoods where they live are
Poshua: "I'm seeing a lot fewer used condoms on the sidewalks than I did when I moved here four years ago."
Poshua: "There have been a couple of shootings, but they're all gang-related, and I'm not in a gang."

gorgeousmayday: abortions mean more video games for me!

counter23feit: pretty much everyone who has worked for more than a year as a nurse/emt/doctor has seen at least one sandwich/burrito/roll of oreos lodged in a fold somewhere

AmericanQuixote: People who think dogfighting is inherently awesome really are discriminated against in this country
AmericanQuixote: we need to rally the silent majority

espank9: when I was walking through a Ralph's a few months back, searching for stool softeners, that's when I realized that my youth was over

counter23feit: i got one of these yesterday
counter23feit: http://www.backyardcitypools.com/Images/BWP/NT257-Shock-Rocker-Float.jpg
counter23feit: it really only fits one other person
counter23feit: but there's plenty of room for a cooler of beer and a bunch of waterproof dildos

AmericanQuixote: We are pretty hard on atomic bombs
AmericanQuixote: considering we've only USED two to kill people
AmericanQuixote: out of the thousands we made!
AmericanQuixote: It's like, get off our back, already!

TunnelArmr: global supply chains are amazing
TunnelArmr: most of the fish we catch gets shipped all the way to china to be processed and packaged and then shipped all the way back
TunnelArmr: that can't possibly be efficient...BUT IT IS!!!!!
gorgeousmayday: you need more hobbies, besides the internet

TunnelArmr: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/31/AR2008053100972.html?hpid=topnews
TunnelArmr: it's an article about black people in utah
timsl17: this is good for idaho
timsl17: it's like finding an uglier girl to stand near to make us look better

TunnelArmr: http://www.aclu.org/pizza/
AmericanQuixote: Dude
AmericanQuixote: When your dystopia is based on expensive pizza you need to think again

gorgeousmayday: a few months ago, all of the regular employees here had to take a company-mandated sexual harassment seminar
gorgeousmayday: shortly after that, all of the spread-eagle furry figurines disappeared from my coworker's desk
gorgeousmayday: coincidence?

counter23feit: when it comes to this issue dave's house is made of so much glass that the T-1000 just rode a motorcycle through it

timsl17: think i saw that on the news the other day when i accidentally watched the news

counter23feit: i just came across someone's application that got routed to another department and the feedback from the hiring manager was just "lol"

gorgeousmayday: I was scarred by a Shark Bites commercial
gorgeousmayday: I couldn't go swimming in a pool by myself after I saw it
gorgeousmayday: to this day I'm not sure I could do it

TunnelArmr: maybe I can raise my kid as a roomba
gorgeousmayday: who says you can't?
gorgeousmayday: i mean, other than numerous government agencies

AmericanQuixote: He has this super murky past that I know nearly nothing about.
TunnelArmr: do you think he was in porn?
AmericanQuixote: Dude, he could have been like a special ops guy who was horrified by the atrocities during the invasion of panama and then found god and totally dropped off the grid to form a new identity
AmericanQuixote: Actually, now that I think about it, I'm sure that's it.

gorgeousmayday: there's no such thing as half black
gorgeousmayday: as I've learned from daytime talk shows, "one drop makes you whole"

Poshua: I didn't get good image search results for "gimp mask"
Poshua: then I realized that moderate safe search was on

chicajlp: my mom is always stunned that you don't have a girlfriend, she thinks you're just this cute nice guy
chicajlp: and i don't have the heart to show her the links you send me

Poshua: I want to start a japanese-style creperie called Crepe of Nanking

chiIled: i was wondering why you were sending me so many texts
chiIled: then i realized that i wasn't online
chiIled: its like the highway to my brain was down and you were taking surface streets

AmericanQuixote: I told that story about Ken to Kambria recently
TunnelArmr: so?
AmericanQuixote: It's a great story
[2 Minutes Of Silence]
AmericanQuixote: And then I shot the moon with a huge gun



TunnelArmr: you can write a bio for yourself if you want
gorgeousmayday: i was kinda planning on just taking some info about poison snakes and replacing "snake" with "dana"

counter23feit: how hard do you think it would be to convince daisy that black people had no fingerprints?

chiIled: dude that is how foods work
chiIled: foods that are intentionally crusted are fucking bomb
chiIled: but remember to steer clear of foods that are unintentionally crusted

TunnelArmr: an indian friend of mine posted pictures from an indian wedding in palm springs where the bride was carried in on an elephant
TunnelArmr: how does one go about getting an elephant for private use?
gorgeousmayday: if old cartoons have taught me anything, a trail of well-placed peanuts

counter23feit: i'm making a list of things i love
counter23feit: like when someone's behind you in line at the supermarket and the items he's purchasing speak such volumes about his life that you feel like you know him intimately
counter23feit: or when you've been in the ocean all day and you lie in bed at night and you can still feel the pull of the current tugging at your legs
TunnelArmr: well, this list really got gay in a hurry
counter23feit: or, uh, fucking women

counter23feit: my friend just texted me saying that he is on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland and Snoop Dogg is there complaining to the attendant about how long it's taking to start the ride

chicajlp: 1400 on your SATs gets you into stanford
TunnelArmr: it does?
chicajlp: yeah, you say "look! a 1400! from a MEXICAN!"
TunnelArmr: oh, right
TunnelArmr: I hear the test is "culturally biased" anyway
TunnelArmr: (because mexicans don't use words or numbers?)
chicajlp: dude, XIV is a number

TunnelArmr: http://revver.com/video/209771/homeless-james-bond/
counter23feit: the chance that i would click on a link with "homeless james bond" in it is about as certain as the sun coming up tomorrow

Poshua: it is a pet peeve of mine when people use the abbreviations EST and PST when we are, in fact, on daylight savings time
Poshua: I am back from my five month break from being annoyed about this

chicajlp: if i had a penis, and i was kind of a slut, i would let you suck on it
chicajlp: ok, i would beg and plead for you to suck it, plus offer to do the dishes for a week

chicajlp: why did dan put his name as daniel?
chicajlp: that's so gay
TunnelArmr: what does that say about you, if you're marrying him?
chicajlp: that i am a dude
chicajlp: a gay one

On George W. Bush:
espank9: he is the Jimmy Fallon of the American Presidency

AmericanQuixote: I think you have a debate moderator instead of a conscience.

chicajlp: one of the top 25 netflix movies for sunnyvale, california is called helvetica, which is a documentary about the font
chicajlp: so i'm thinking about moving

AmericanQuixote: here are the following states I say fuck you to:
AmericanQuixote: Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire again, Rhode Island, and saving the best for last, DELAWARE.

espank9: turok?
espank9: i hated that game
espank9: it was like the oregon trail shooting game for 3 hours



chiIled: i want a coffin that says BRB

chiIled: oh man
chiIled: searching youtube for "gone wrong" is great

TunnelArmr: do you watch lost?
TunnelArmr: it just occurred to me that one of the characters looks like a thin tim russert
Poshua: I don't think you can have a thin tim russert
Poshua: I think fatness is part of the essence of russert

chiIled: dude the japanese call america beikoku
chiIled: which means riceland
chiIled: talk about backwards!!

chiIled: overheard in line at the element lounge on saturday: "BITCH, I'M FROM EAST OAKLAND, NIGGA"
chiIled: nicely bookended

After the death of Heath Ledger:
chiIled: i ate at specialtys today
chiIled: and ordered a hot australian sandwich
chiIled: in memoriam

atribecalledsean: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=510172&in_page_id=1774
atribecalledsean: oh yeah, that looks like it should work perfectly, and definitely won't be featured in the "Absurd Technological Failures of 2008" article in the February, 2050 issue of Time Magazine.

AmericanQuixote: Nothing like driving drunk from SJ to SF on Christmas day, and then teasing tigers!
AmericanQuixote: Let's make that our tradition.

hangwidave: fun story
hangwidave: my 5th grade football team lost to the deaf middle school back home
hangwidave: and I have never lived down that deaf loss with my brother
hangwidave: like, he'll introduce me to friends and be like "Hey this is my little brother. He lost to the deaf school in football"

chicajlp: you know, sometimes you could say hi or something
chicajlp: instead of talking entirely in links

TunnelArmr: do you think obama can dunk?
AmericanQuixote: Of course he can
AmericanQuixote: and he can rap and dance well and he loves white women
AmericanQuixote: Michelle O. is just in blackface for the election

chicajlp: i don't have any babies
TunnelArmr: YET
chicajlp: why do we keep making this joke? are you going to hit on my infant daughter? are you going to fill my baby boy's mouth with peanut butter and watch him get all upset like a dog?

AmericanQuixote: What percentage of women do you think participate in porn?
TunnelArmr: i bet there are like
TunnelArmr: 50,000-100,000 women in america who have done genuine porn
AmericanQuixote: I was sort of hoping it was a secret among women that they ALL have done it
AmericanQuixote: Except the girls I've dated.

AmericanQuixote: "If anyone has not yet embraced the fact that hip-hop, through a main-stream perspective, is a dying breed; after listening to the musical styling of Soulja Boy in his debut album, Souljaboytellem.com., I'm sure that the truth will become evident."
AmericanQuixote: My feeling exactly!
AmericanQuixote: FUCK I should do my real job.

chicajlp: we have a ps3. dan would not notice if i started running a phone sex business out of our apartment.

TunnelArmr: there was an e-mail in our building a little while ago that was like
TunnelArmr: "if you drive a gold prius a branch just fell on it and shattered your windshield"
counter23feit: looks like the environment is really grateful for all that person's help

chiIled: dude here's america in a nutshell
chiIled: Article: 136 Killed in Bhutto Blast
chiIled: Advertisement: Is your skin too wrinkled?

Poshua: she and her husband are artists
Poshua: the husband sleeps in a tent in an area of the backyard which he calls (without irony) "the land of peace and kindness"
Poshua: in the most unsurprising statement of the night, he declared that he "loves" Dennis Kucinich

espank9: http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/25/tiger.attack/index.html
espank9: calvin forgot to put out the tiger traps! LOL
espank9: JK somebody died that's sad

KarnigP: so chase and I were putting up the lights on the christmas tree
KarnigP: when I acidentally initiated the birds and the bees talk by asking him for the male end of the lights

TunnelArmr: that's like saying "oh what a lovely house" when looking at a blueprint
AmericanQuixote: I disagree.
AmericanQuixote: What about a model?
AmericanQuixote: You enjoy a model by looking at pictures of her
AmericanQuixote: not by having sex with her
AmericanQuixote: unless you are tom brady
AmericanQuixote: then you impregnate her

TunnelArmr: you babysit for a homewrecker?
ucsbgirly12: well someone has to be a positive influence on the child
ucsbgirly12: plus, I want a wii

chiIled: my friend justin had a popcorn hangover once
chiIled: he got stoned and ate one of those 6.5 pound tins from costco in one sitting

AmericanQuixote: Which was safe, because everyone there was white
AmericanQuixote: Or asian, which is the same thing

AmericanQuixote: Note to self: Don't leave a dead dog in the trunk for more than one day. Or, more than one hot day, at least.

TunnelArmr: http://www.gapingmaws.com/
chiIled: i remember when i was a young boy
chiIled: if you wanted to see animals with their mouths stretched wide
chiIled: you had to actually go to the zoo

timsl17: "When Moss, one of Taylor's closest friends on the team, caught his first pass, he pounded his chest and held up his index and middle fingers and his pinky. It was his way of spelling "21" for all to see. He repeated the gesture throughout the game, sometimes with both hands."
timsl17: so in other words, to honor his dead teammate, he gave the shocker

espank9: you would be the laziest cop ever
espank9: if it couldn't be figured out on wikipedia, you'd throw up your hands in frustration and mutter something about your pension not being worth it

AmericanQuixote: The thug life does not appeal to me.
AmericanQuixote: I guess being in a gang might be appealing, what with the camraderie and loyalty and all. But not the thug part.
TunnelArmr: is this supposed to be surprising to me?
AmericanQuixote: Well, I'm listening to Trick Daddy's "I'm A Thug" and I realized I couldn't really understand where the singer is coming from.
AmericanQuixote: Why is he so sure the thug life is the life for him?

TunnelArmr: can you sell the stem cells of your aborted embryo?
TunnelArmr: it's tricky because in order to sell the stem cells, the embryo can't be dead yet, right?
TunnelArmr: so if that's ok, it would also have to be ok to sell your second-trimester fetus
Poshua: maybe next year's thanksgiving sensation will be the turduckfetus

Poshua: jacket with no tie = i am important enough that I don't have to prove it by wearing a tie
Poshua: tie with no jacket = cubicle drone

counter23feit: i think a good life goal would be to get yourself listed in the "Adventurers" category on Wikipedia

chiIled: think of this
chiIled: the next time your dad goes to a japanese restaurant
chiIled: he is simultaneously a loving father, devoted husband, skilled practitioner of law
chiIled: and, temporarily, a noodle crushing machine

TunnelArmr: if we invent time travel, our first order of business should be to send an entire pro football team back in time to like the 9th century
TunnelArmr: just to scare the villagers
counter23feit: you're not going to believe me, but i think about that ALL THE TIME

Rakshasa1O: dude how have I never looked at craigslist personals before
Rakshasa1O: "I'm 5'2", curvy (175lbs, size 14) Cute, great smile, funny."
Rakshasa1O: It's like where's waldo...except you're looking for the clue that she is truly hideous

AmericanQuixote: For the good of this country, you need to be taken for rendition to a secret CIA prison.

syyd67: oh noah
syyd67: you had me at homosexual congressmen

espank9: I must be off
espank9: find some funny stuff on the internet while I'm gone
espank9: I want a full report when I get back

AmericanQuixote: I can see some guy walking into his bedroom, finding Sen. John Warner fucking his wife, and then when he goes to shoot JW, JW leaps out of bed, jumps through the window, and runs laughing, naked, into the night.
AmericanQuixote: That's a weird fucking fantasy I just had.

atribecalledsean: i think roe v wade can be interpreted as a pretty strong endorsement of fetal sex.

counter23feit: i stayed home from work today because i'm sick
counter23feit: but now i might ACTUALLY BE SICK
counter23feit: what a miscalculation

TunnelArmr: check out james watson
TunnelArmr: http://i.l.cnn.net/cnn/2007/WORLD/europe/10/18/nobel.apology/art.watson.gi.jpg
KiyreEatsTrees: he is the cryptkeeper
KiyreEatsTrees: or maybe the crickkeeper LOL

chicajlp: dan really doesn't want girls
TunnelArmr: I bet you don't either
chicajlp: i would like one maybe
TunnelArmr: how about this
chicajlp: no
chicajlp: i'm saying no without hearing the plan

TunnelArmr: what the fuck
TunnelArmr: john mccain's MOM is still alive?
chiIled: i would not hit it

chicajlp: when your kid has both male and female sex parts, sometimes they remove one set, and that's fine
chicajlp: so why would baby castration be that bad?
chicajlp: oh my god, did i just say that?

espank9: how is it that the only way you're legally allowed to mess with a toddler's junk is to SLICE PART OF IT OFF!

atribecalledsean: i hope my office doesnt have an obscenity filter which can pick up on thinly veiled references to gay oral sex
atribecalledsean: or the words 'gay oral sex'

chiIled: i bought a space heater today
chiIled: and the manual is like 20 pages of just warnings on how not to die in a structure fire
chiIled: we tried to light the manual on fire using the heater
chiIled: and it didnt even work
chiIled: which casts the legitimacy of the whole manual into doubt

chicajlp: no one dies in porn
chicajlp: unless they forget the safe word
chicajlp: and that's their own damn fault

counter23feit: that reminds me of when i found out that my mom didn't believe in evolution

Poshua: we shat the bed in our pub quiz on monday
Poshua: b/c we are usually really good at the video round
Poshua: but this time it involved identifying pictures of porn stars and pro wrestlers
Poshua: and we are a bunch of homos

TunnelArmr:
espank9: 8=======> -------
espank9: whenever someone uses the winky face emoticon
espank9: I draw an ejaculating penis
espank9: especially when the conversation is about a forgotten genocide

Poshua: my dad calls Trader Joe's "Whole Foods for poor people"

"I can't get into Mormon Heaven without my spleen, OK?" -My brother, on why he isn't an organ donor

chiIled: yeah i'm in a penis-of-the-month club

On the size of [name deleted]'s ass:
AmericanQuixote: Like how it's hard to tell how big the pentagon is because you can really only see one side of it.

TunnelArmr: third world cities are like clown cars
AmericanQuixote: INDIA
AmericanQuixote: INDIA!
AmericanQuixote: IIIIIIIIINDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!

AmericanQuixote: I like that although this is a truly pointless and stupid argument, it is probably not even 5% as pointless and stupid as our maximally dumb argument.

KiyreEatsTrees: shirley temples and roy rogerses are probably still pretty good
KiyreEatsTrees: but if i tried to order one now it would be like, yep, i'm six!
KiyreEatsTrees: then again, there's nothing stopping me from ordering a peach margarita
KiyreEatsTrees: GIRL DRINK DRUNK

AmericanQuixote: I bet you in hell, all the girls are flat.

AmericanQuixote: There are a lot of things not allowed in your hypothetical.
AmericanQuixote: Hitler.
AmericanQuixote: Are you not allowed to be jewish in this hypothetical?

TunnelArmr: this pedophile got caught at the airport
TunnelArmr: and the contents of his luggage were a dora the explorer doll and petroleum jelly
skinnypuppy520: i believe that is the definition of "red-handed"

Guess the context, Round 4:
TunnelArmr: it's like we accidentally killed a stripper and buried her in the desert
TunnelArmr: and then we're re-killing her on a semi-daily basis
AmericanQuixote: And both keeping a record of it.
AmericanQuixote: That no one has access to, except a giant corporation.

"How about using your powers for good?" -My brother, after hearing my new pointless website idea

TunnelArmr: it's kind of selfish of superman to have a secret identity
TunnelArmr: why can't he just fight crime all the time?
TunnelArmr: how much shit is going down every minute he's in the fucking newsroom?
AmericanQuixote: Yeah, that has occurred to me.
AmericanQuixote: It's like, someone is going to die so he can shave today?

TunnelArmr: what's the most inappropriate thing you could rent a tuxedo for?
timsl17: an abortion?
TunnelArmr: do you have to a buy a corsage for that?
timsl17: i don't know, but i think the would-have-been mother has to throw the aborted fetus into the air, and whoever catches it gets the next unwanted pregnancy

AmericanQuixote: Hello world!
AmericanQuixote: I'm ready for some fucking awesome globalization! Globalize me hard!!!!!!!!

TunnelArmr: if the Fox NFL booth crew is to be believed, Frank Gore's dead mother just physically lifted him up and carried him 40 yards
counter23feit: as long as he gets fantasy credit for those yards, and not his mom

TunnelArmr: have preston weld you a dress made of guns
chicajlp: i was saving that idea for when i'm nominated for a grammy

AmericanQuixote: Play hardball - ask for the salary and office without the work.

counter23feit: what shape do you think would be the best for a 9/11 cake
counter23feit: and speaking of delicious
counter23feit: did you see the end of the 49ers game last night

Iceman7733: she's not that hot, but when you're in the dessert even mcdonalds looks good

TunnelArmr: "James Gordon Bennett, a newspaper baron, liked to announce his arrival in a restaurant by yanking the tablecloths from all the tables he passed. He would then hand the manager a wad of cash with which to compensate his victims for their lost meals and spattered attire."
AmericanQuixote: That's precisely how rich I want to be!

TunnelArmr: today I got rear-ended by a drunk legless man in a motorized wheelchair
timsl17: that's what SHE said

AmericanQuixote: The whole 'consent' thing is full of loopholes.

chiIled: mongeese are so tight
chiIled: they defeate cobras with superior agility
chiIled: as shown clearly by this diagram: http://www.nature.ca/notebooks/images/mongoose.gif

AmericanQuixote: there are some nights like that, when you are on your game, and then other nights when you drunkenly blather on about how awesome komodo dragons are for maybe ten minutes beyond the point where it is funny/cute/endearing/bearable to other people.



TunnelArmr: and I don't talk about it because I like to bury things deep down inside! hey-o!
AmericanQuixote: Up top!

TunnelArmr: someday I will say something and you will not have a ridiculous image to respond with
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: thats true
chiIled: but until that day comes, here's george bush chillin with some mongol horsemen
chiIled: http://www.historyofjihad.org/mongol3.jpg

d2rmbtb: so you get friended by random highschool girls who admire you for your sparkling wit
d2rmbtb: and i get poked by a random guy whose fav activities include "suicide", whose quotes include "lifes a bitch, lifes a whore, i just want to die" and whose profile picture is of a dead baby
d2rmbtb: how is this fair

chiIled: i think somehow we have accelerated to the point in our friendship where we are both eighty years old

AmericanQuixote: When you have two Ks, the laws of humor demand that you add a third.

timsl17: this is the worst september 11th ever

AmericanQuixote: Dude, maybe we should give each other veto power on wife choice.
TunnelArmr: I'm ok with that
TunnelArmr: as long as it can be overturned with a two-thirds majority of trojanburrito cast members
AmericanQuixote: Trying to work the Ex-Girlfriend Voting Bloc would be tricky.

d2rmbtb: what does a carpet shampooer look like?
d2rmbtb: im sort of picturing a vacuum
d2rmbtb: but with suds
d2rmbtb: or some type of illegal immigrant



espank9: yeah, well, Phil doesn't have a vibrator in the shape of his own junk then
espank9: no, I don't own one
espank9: though I considered it for a good while as a gag birthday gift for Nicole
espank9: (we engaged in premarital sex)

chiIled: i just ate a chicken sandwich
chiIled: ho-lee eff
chiIled: it was delicious
chiIled: actually that is a TOTAL lie
chiIled: it was shitty
chiIled: i'm sorry i misrepresented my life

AmericanQuixote: "About me: I am a person that seek to love Christ with all my heart and soul. I look to passionately fall in love with Him even though sometimes I fail to show Him. "
AmericanQuixote: HOMO

counter23feit: i've watched like 7 movies this weekend, and 3 of them were the wedding singer
counter23feit: i don't even know if that makes sense

AmericanQuixote: Working with kids helps you get laid, whether or not you are a pedophile.

No explanation required:
chiIled: dude
a) speak every language
b) squirrels do your bidding

TunnelArmr: will artificial intelligence ever reach a point that using a computer is slavery?
timsl17: whoa one thing at a time
timsl17: i'm still thinking about what happens to a werewolf gamete when the full moon comes out

Guess the context, round 3:
TunnelArmr: they're really quite the same
AmericanQuixote: minus anal sex plus tennis

KiyreEatsTrees: that just goes to show how much atoms suck
KiyreEatsTrees: it takes so many of them to get anything done

chiIled: guess who tried to facebook friend me today
chiIled: MY DAD!
chiIled: dude!
chiIled: my fucking DAD!

counter23feit: i think for me the most disappointing part of death isn't even really the dying part, it's not being able to find out what the distant future will be like
counter23feit: i just hope i live long enough for the realistic sex robots to arrive

AmericanQuixote: I love being an adult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AmericanQuixote: adulthood is like childhood minus rules.
AmericanQuixote: Today, I read comic books and played video games and had a grilled cheese sandwich and cheezits.

AmericanQuixote: Oh no! She's coming to visit!
TunnelArmr: this is when you reap the downside of being a friendly person.
AmericanQuixote: Consider that downside reaped!

TunnelArmr: what do you think the history of the stripper pole is?
AmericanQuixote: 1. There happened to be a pole in some place with a creative stripper.
2. She did a really sexy dance on it.
3. There was positive feedback in the form of one dollar bills
3. Other girls copied her.
4. Other girls at other clubs either lobbied for the installation of a pole or the manager there installed one upon hearing about this new feature.
5. William goes to his first strip club in 2002, enjoys seeing hot Canadian dancers take off their clothes. Appreciates the pole.

TunnelArmr: why is nicotine addictive? isn't it a plant poison that they evolved to kill animals that were eating their leaves?
AmericanQuixote: Maybe the strategy of tobacco plants is that if they make bugs eat them enough, fifty years later those bugs will die of a debilitating cancer.

AmericanQuixote: What amazes me is how mentally ill you sound, but how many thousands of times crazier other friends of ours are.

TunnelArmr: I wish I could be an astrophysicist and particle physicist without ever having to do math
chiIled: no
chiIled: you just wish that undiscovered shit was already on wikipedia

On being a crew member of the Enola Gay:
chiIled: i think for me i wouldnt be weirded out moralizing it
chiIled: the historical significance of it is weirder
chiIled: i'd be like wow this is significant...really significant!!
chiIled: and i'm witnessing it!!
chiIled: not just witnessing it, it's me doing it!! LOL
chiIled: speaking of historically significant, that was my all-time least appropriate "LOL"



TunnelArmr: do you know there is such a thing as a hypercane?
TunnelArmr: it's like a hurricane, but way stronger
Oroko Saki 69: really?
Oroko Saki 69: send me the link
TunnelArmr: why do you always assume there is a link involved
TunnelArmr: couldn't I have read it in a book?
TunnelArmr: or learned about it from a lecture at the local Elks lodge?
Oroko Saki 69: there is always a link, i am not sure you know how to open a book

chiIled: dude i just laid down such a horrible fart that the dog groaned when it reached him
chiIled: DUDE THE DOG JUST PUKED

TunnelArmr: http://www.ft.com/cms/s/122134be-ed14-11db-9520-000b5df10621.html
KiyreEatsTrees: They will also have to criminalise "publicly condoning, denying or grossly trivialising crimes of genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes
when such statements incite hatred or violence against minorities."
KiyreEatsTrees: how does it feel to be banned in europe?

On evolution:
chiIled: its like
chiIled: nothing-fin-foot-hand-flipper ... racquet?

counter23feit: I hate Fry's
counter23feit: it's honestly like the Island of Dr. Moreau in there
counter23feit: the cashier had some kind of horrific facial deformity and the manager was this enormous neckless man with a limp

chiIled: i think you should become independently wealthy by creating an internet phenomenon
chiIled: honestly you're kind of overdue



TunnelArmr: the mongols really underwent a fall from grace
TunnelArmr: from biggest empire ever to seat of a country nobody cares about at all
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: all they are known for now is medium-to-strong barbeque prowess

My Brother: "Want to go out to bars in North Beach?"
Me: "Would I have to change?"
My Brother: "Yes...into someone who likes going out to bars in North Beach."

Poshua: you read a book?
Poshua: did you lose a bet?

chiIled: what if someone gave you a wedding present
chiIled: and all you did was say "fuckin SIIIIICCK", flash the metal horns, then pretend to take a bite out of the present while making a crunch sound
chiIled: oh wait that is EXACTLY what i would do
chiIled: except for getting married

chiIled: dude you werent online for 2 days
chiIled: i was worried you were dead

TunnelArmr: I can dump her for you if you want
counter23feit: yeah, i don't think it works that way
counter23feit: unless you're suggesting killing her
counter23feit: in which case i'll laugh heartily and secretly be serious

AmericanQuixote: Guns, Germs, and Steel talks about that
AmericanQuixote: But I won't tell you to read it, because that's like telling a german shepherd to read.
AmericanQuixote: Notgonnahappen!

counter23feit: what are you suggesting?
counter23feit: that i behave like an ADULT?

TunnelArmr: a ding dong is full of weird artificial plaster-of-paris and emulsifiers and shit
AmericanQuixote: Dude, they ate mashed up acorns and shit.
AmericanQuixote: Nice!
AmericanQuixote: We both ended our sentences simultaneously with "and shit"

AmericanQuixote: You should start a website: www.ridiculousnamesofblacklinebackers.com

AmericanQuixote: I might be exaggerating a little bit, but only by maybe seven orders of magnitude.

timsl17: i guess this should be a lesson learned
timsl17: never tell the truth

AmericanQuixote: Speaking of homeless people, I had pork and beans for dinner last night.



atribecalledsean: worst food/drink combination?
atribecalledsean: edible underwear and communion wine
atribecalledsean: which i think has some sort of mentos and coke reaction

AmericanQuixote: That's why I couldn't get mad at him.
AmericanQuixote: If you did it, I'd be furious.
TunnelArmr: what a bullshit double standard
TunnelArmr: is there an upside?
AmericanQuixote: I guess I would do more for you than I would for him.
AmericanQuixote: Like, I would fly to China to bring you home if you were in trouble.
AmericanQuixote: With him, I'd be like, "Everyone has to die sometime!"

atribecalledsean: ok...you know the part in point break when johnny utah jumps out of the plane with no parachute?
atribecalledsean: he thinks about it for a second and then throws caution to the wind and yells "FUCK ITTTT"...
atribecalledsean: i've gotten into the habit of doing that after making very unimportant daily decisions, like picking out boxers for the day
atribecalledsean: i highly recommend it
atribecalledsean: try it next time youre choosing the size of your caramel macchiato

chiIled: what if all humanity was rounded up by hostile aliens
chiIled: and we were gonna be ground up and used as food
chiIled: and the aliens told each of us "we will let you live if you can answer one question"
chiIled: and then they were like "under what circumstances can you have pizza anytime?"

atribecalledsean: as an aside, i once saw a trio of albino japanese triplets walking past my house
atribecalledsean: is it safe to assume they are the only japanese albino triplets in the world?
atribecalledsean: and, more importantly, am i going out on a limb assuming they were archangels?
atribecalledsean: (this actually happened, and these are not rhetorical questions)

atribecalledsean: interestingly, the optimal betting strategy for spelling bees is the exact opposite of the optimal betting strategy for roulette.
atribecalledsean: never bet on black...SHAZZAAMMM

LiNDS10000: you know what's sad?
LiNDS10000: i just read the trojanburrito update.
LiNDS10000: there are more funny things to say ABOUT me, than i actually SAY

atribecalledsean: i think about that some times. what a 13 year old girl could accomplish with the body of a 23 year old man. the rest of the time i think about what it would be like if i were inside a 13 year old girl.
atribecalledsean: wait

chicajlp: you are very committed to making others feel bad
TunnelArmr: it is my artistic medium
TunnelArmr: some people paint in oil or in watercolor
TunnelArmr: I paint in guilt
chicajlp: and you're not even catholic

On baseball:
chiIled: I think of it like
chiIled: 9 guys have to get that little ball under control
chiIled: just scrambling around to get it reined in
chiIled: and 1 guy has to make sure that ball gets as out of hand as possible
chiIled: and you are rewarded by making it as chaotic as possible for the other group
chiIled: but if you dont let it get very out of control
chiIled: you are punished
chiIled: and have to go sit down

TunnelArmr: fuck itunes 7
TunnelArmr: I hate it
chiIled: you are the boy who cried wolf of hatred

AmericanQuixote: You know how if you put your mind to it, you can do anything?
AmericanQuixote: WRONG.

AmericanQuixote: Instead of "what hath god wrought" or whatever Bell was supposed to say as the first phone call, it was probably actually "Do me harder, you black stud"

chicajlp: i would like to tell you that the last time i clicked on one of your random wikipedia links, i said to myself "hey, noah spends all day clicking on random articles, maybe i can too"
chicajlp: i clicked "random article" and got the life story of a japanese porn star, and then my co-worker walked by and thought i was a perve
chicajlp: so thanks



espank9: I only pay attention to international current events when a critical mass of people have joined a facebook group about it

TunnelArmr: http://www.porn-bread.com/vagina.htm
espank9: yep, the URL really said it all
espank9: not really sure why I clicked on the link
espank9: not really sure what I was expecting
espank9: yep, just gross

AmericanQuixote: It's times like these I wish you weren't so painfully insightful about people I care about.
AmericanQuixote: PSYCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



espank9: are you to wikipedia what Lindsay Coleman is to facebook?
espank9: and what I am to adultfriendfinder.com?

On death:
AmericanQuixote: I especially don't feel sad for old people - it's like, yeah, that's what happens when you are old.

AmericanQuixote: Search
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
You searched for "how to take back a marriage proposal"
No page with that title exists.
AmericanQuixote: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KiyreEatsTrees: it's pretty annoying when there's an amoeba driving poorly on the freeway

chicajlp: i'm having breakfast for lunch
chicajlp: i'm so fucking happy
chicajlp: you could bite my nipple and i'd still be happy

TunnelArmr: she is cool
TunnelArmr: but also the token "causes her boyfriend to be totally lame and stay home and not do fun things" girlfriend
AmericanQuixote: Every girlfriend is that girlfriend.





AmericanQuixote: The fact that a father cannot simply have a fetus run around the corner for a twelve pack of miller light is reprehensible.
AmericanQuixote: I mean, he is paying for that fetus.

KiyreEatsTrees: mmm
KiyreEatsTrees: you know what they say about cancer
KiyreEatsTrees: it always tastes better when it's free



chiIled: dude
chiIled: read "taking dayquil on an empty stomach"
chiIled: it is chapter 1 of my new book HOW TO FEEL LIKE SHIT

KiyreEatsTrees: didn't your parents tell you not to wii until an hour after eating?

AmericanQuixote: Yeah, price is a real limiting factor for gadgets in your household.
AmericanQuixote: maximum sarcasm, captain!

counter23feit: how super is this super strength?
counter23feit: like just enough to get a 70+ year old man to be about three times as strong as a normal athlete in his 20s, or is he essentially Superman?
counter23feit: i gotta go to work
counter23feit: this is not over.

TunnelArmr: I hope I'm not unknowingly engaged on a technicality now
AmericanQuixote: I think becoming engaged after you get on one knee and ask a girl to marry you is hardly a 'technicality'.

AmericanQuixote: That's a pretty deep tattoo for a pretty slutty place to put one.

AmericanQuixote: Except for back hair.
AmericanQuixote: That's appalling.
AmericanQuixote: More money for stem-cell research, please!

TunnelArmr: really? you would fuck your sister for the sake of producing blue kids?
AmericanQuixote: A tough call.
AmericanQuixote: But ...maybe?
AmericanQuixote: Come on man, BLUE KIDS!

On The Da Vinci Code:
AmericanQuixote: I think even a retarded younger brother would find the prose stilted and unevocative.

chiIled: i'm actually surprised this conversation is continuing
chiIled: i was expecting a:
chiIled: my point is
chiIled: FUUUUUUUUCK YOU!

espank9: cheerleaders should be less like "professionals with contracts and a union" and more like "whores"
espank9: or "whores that like sports"
espank9: either/or

espank9: your only religion is sarcasm

counter23feit: well, that's the spirit of Christmas
counter23feit: imagining your grandparents taking turns clay-mining each other
counter23feit: pa-rum-pa-pum, pummmm

Poshua: do you celebrate christmas?
TunnelArmr: yes
Poshua: hm. I guess I could have just checked the trojanburrito archives to confirm that

chiIled: yesterday i was throwing pretzel bits into eben's mouth from across the room
chiIled: and i got a nothing-but-net but he started choking
chiIled:

Poshua: "Well known for serving a delicious mutton chop, the steaks and sides are also top-notch."
Poshua: I think that's the first time I've ever seen the term "mutton chop" used to describe meat rather than facial hair

KarnigP: how many times do you think relationships have started because a guy yelled DIBS about a girl?

chiIled: you want to get lunch?
TunnelArmr: I'm not hungry at all
chiIled: go purge

TunnelArmr: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/13morganfreeman.html
Poshua: as an uncoordinated homosexual, I don't really relate to monologues about pop-a-shot

atribecalledsean: i was over at my friend's house the other day and he showed me this hilarious "Chronicles of Narnia" rap. i wish i still had the link. it's so great.
atribecalledsean: it's a rap...about the movie
atribecalledsean: you get it?
atribecalledsean: people usually rap about things that are totally different than a movie like Chronicles of Narnia...but in this video, they do exactly that

Poshua: nothing says "opportunity" like a flaccid penis

TunnelArmr: on thursday I decided to make alex trebek jewish on his wikipedia page
TunnelArmr: and it hasn't been changed back yet
TunnelArmr: is it pushing my luck if I photoshop a yamulke into his picture?
atribecalledsean: i think you'd have a roughly five minute window
atribecalledsean: but it would be the greatest five minutes of my, and i assume your, life

TunnelArmr: you should instigate an anti-inflammatory drug vs. inflammatory response tug-of-war
TunnelArmr: keep taking more and more drugs and doing more and more things that should cause inflammation, and see which wins
chiIled: result: amputation

TunnelArmr: it was awkward
TunnelArmr: we both obviously recognized each other
TunnelArmr: and both chose to pretend we didn't
chiIled: man
chiIled: the adult version of pretending is way less fun than the child version of pretending



counter23feit: we'll discuss this later, when i can waste work time on it

"The NBA playoffs are like a game of musical chairs for retarded children where there are more chairs than kids." -Mike

TunnelArmr: you never know what kind of things you will find on the internet when you tug on a loose thread
atribecalledsean: i've found that thread is usually connected to a used tampon in a midgets ass
atribecalledsean: god i love the internet





TunnelArmr: that is definitely the first time anyone has ever suggested that I should confuse two terms
atribecalledsean: well, this is the first time that i've actually checked to see if www.talkingjewishanuses.com was a registered domain name..so, first time for everything i guess

chiIled: MAN FUCK AGING
chiIled: cant i just have the being wiser part without the having a worse body part
chiIled: THIS IS BULLSHIT.

atribecalledsean: listen, if any justification for why i shouldn't do something has more than 2 steps, i generally ignore it and do it anyways.



atribecalledsean: i've never met a Mormon either, that doesnt mean that i don't know that they arent to be trusted
atribecalledsean: (quadruple negative??)

chiIled: i own no scarves, no earmuffs, no gloves, no thermal pants, nothing warmer than a baseball cap and a sweatshirt
chiIled: if it got like blizzard-cold i would probably just wear a blanket to work
chiIled: actually that is a total lie: i just wouldn't go

TunnelArmr: what do you think the minimum waiting time is before a young widow starts sexually fantasizing about her dead husband?
chiIled: you are so goddamn weird it's unreal
chiIled: but i dunno like a month?
chiIled: its gotta be between the initial shock of the loss and before she has grieved enough to start fantasizing about other men
chiIled: plus at least a few weeks of sexual frustration before it gets to that
TunnelArmr: i'm glad that, despite chastising me, you answered the question in detail
chiIled: oh yeah you knew that was coming

TunnelArmr: that fact about his boyfriend is like the Neverending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden, except for humor instead of pasta
AmericanQuixote: BEST METAPHOR EVER.
TunnelArmr: (simile)
AmericanQuixote: LEAST MEANINGFUL GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION EVER.

AmericanQuixote: Your house is like the hidden valley full of star leaves at the end of "The Land Before Time"

KiyreEatsTrees: i wonder what miss manners would say about inviting some kid in a wheelchair to an ice skating party

AmericanQuixote: I have the google home page, google calendar, and then four hardcore fetish porno sites that load at startup.

TunnelArmr: this is an outstanding gift idea
TunnelArmr: http://www.zombieportraits.com/
espank9: chances of this link being the exact opposite of how you have billed it to be
espank9: 25%

KiyreEatsTrees: i was looking at some webcomic earlier where the author had typed out "jean e se qua"
KiyreEatsTrees: YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET, LOOK IT UP
KiyreEatsTrees: (then kill yourself)

"I would be 250% more likely to watch this show if the cases were opened by homeless people instead of models." -My brother, on Deal or No Deal

On couples with age differences:
counter23feit: i think the key criteria should be "Was the older person old enough to remember playing a specific video game before the younger person was born?"

chiIled: cant believe we are doing this
chiIled: i'm broke
chiIled: i literally am getting a wii instead of renewing my car insurance

KiyreEatsTrees: someone really should invent onion gloves
TunnelArmr: what? like, gloves made of onions, or gloves for handling onions?
KiyreEatsTrees: just onion gloves
KiyreEatsTrees: you know what i mean

chiIled: beers are awesome
chiIled: "oh hey here's a tasty beverage in a social setting! what's this?? i'm now intoxicated?? BONUS!"

counter23feit: i am in a presentation right now where someone has their screen projected up onto the wall
counter23feit: and right in the middle of it someone instant messaged them the word "BALLS!"



During an argument about diet sodas:
chiIled: regular diet coke is just the most refreshing option
chiIled: and every restaurant has it
chiIled: it is ubriskuitous
chiIled: man that word is a mindfucker
chiIled: dude, fuck diet pepsi all over the walls with a firehose
chiIled: i'd rather drink baja blast
10 Minutes Later...
chiIled: also i'd like to resubmit ubriskuitous as rife-freshing

Kik i t krazy: I bet its a pain tucking an extra foot and a half of cord into your underpants at the gym
Kik i t krazy: (not to be taken out of context)

TunnelArmr: pulling a william consists of inviting someone lame to something, thus performing a funectomy on it
AmericanQuixote: and pulling a Noah is bitching about someone pulling a [name].

chiIled: you know what i'd like to see more of?
chiIled: "...are the same person!" type of scandals

KiyreEatsTrees: it is totally insane that japan went from being a country of crazy samurai warriors to crazy zero fighter pilots to crazy videogame robots
KiyreEatsTrees: i'm probably generalizing, though

TunnelArmr: dude on thursday remind me to tell you a great story from my childhood
TunnelArmr: for some reason I had forgotten about it until now
chiIled: tell it now
TunnelArmr: too lazy
chiIled: yeah thats fine
chiIled: honestly i'm too lazy to hear it right now too

AmericanQuixote: I would rather listen to NPR than have sex with her.

TunnelArmr: Chris Berman should call Ben Utecht Ben "The Treaty of" Utecht
TunnelArmr: if he played in NFL Europe a commentator could say "and Ben 'The Treaty of' Utecht puts an end to the war of this Spanish posession"
chiIled: shouldnt that be in a cover letter instead of in an IM to me?

chiIled: god, can i name every single otter pop flavor?
chiIled: augustus the grape?
chiIled: oh it was alexander the grape
chiIled: i should have guessed alexander
chiIled: he is one of history's grapest otters

chiIled: in other news, i just made a space chainsaw
chiIled: and it is pretty badass

AmericanQuixote: Maybe it's just the huge buildup, but that was pretty disappointingly un-mindblowing.
AmericanQuixote: I expected like, "Touch your nose... it isn't even there!" or "I just jerked off myself... from the future!"

pajamest: it doesn't get more mother-rapey than a trailer park in alabama

AmericanQuixote: Yeah, seriously. Way to fuck up the easy definition of what a mammal is, monotremes.
AmericanQuixote: Way to highlight the fact that taxonomy isn't really a reflection of underlying reality, but is really just a human imposed attempt to impose order on a basically fluid and chaotic variety of genetic diversity, monotremes.
AmericanQuixote: While you're at it, just delete the word 'imposed' from the previous sentence, monotremes.

chiIled: that reminds me of the time i was at longs
chiIled: and i came back from my break
chiIled: and the store was empty, my boss and the other clerk were gone
chiIled: and i went into the back and found a piece of paper on the store desk that said:
THE GREAT ICE CREAM SANDWICH CHALLENGE OF 2000
      Joe           Randy
   ||||| ||||          ||||| ||
chiIled: joe was in the bathroom and randy was behind the store in the ivy, vomiting



TunnelArmr: what should I ask for for christmas?
counter23feit: this is troubling on several levels
counter23feit: 1) you celebrate Christmas
counter23feit: actually that's about it

TunnelArmr: but I saw her a little while ago and she looked way worse
TunnelArmr: her skin tone and the shape of her face had changed enough for her to switch from "pretty hot" to "off-putting"
AmericanQuixote: Thank god I'm unlikely to run into her, so she will stay forever pretty hot in the unreachable yet sometimes fulfilling, as in situations like this one, land of memory!



DRBMAGIC1: she plays softball really well though...
DRBMAGIC1: (dyke)?

chiIled: our fucking dog threw up in my room this morning
chiIled: as an act of revenge i'm certain
chiIled: she does it all the time
chiIled: whenever we all leave the house she anger-shits somewhere in the house

AmericanQuixote: You know you live in a bad part of town when the most common poster ads are of Magic Johnson recommending a brand name AIDS medication.

chiIled: dude how the fuck do dreams happen
chiIled: they are so realistic but absurd
chiIled: its like anything is fair game to be accepted or rejected as reality
chiIled: like if your mom was a griffin
chiIled: you'd have all the memories and meaning of the relationship with your mother, you'd be able to empathize with what she is thinking and what you mean to her but be completely oblivious to the fact that she is a FUCKING LION with the head of a FUCKING EAGLE

AmericanQuixote: You are truly the Renaissance Man of the new millenium. You don't want to be proficient in everything - you just don't want to be too sharp in anything.
AmericanQuixote: A Jack-of-No-Trades, if you will.

counter23feit: that is now #2 on my "List of Things to Buy After I Become Rich"
TunnelArmr: what's #1?
counter23feit: a full set of Spartan armor would be pretty tight

TunnelArmr: there is a breaking news alert that he broke his collarbone
chiIled: haha "breaking news"

TunnelArmr: do you think people would still complain if we switched from existing torture methods to just making prisoners at Guantanamo eat Capn Crunch without any milk?
counter23feit: Waffle Crisp is WAY worse
counter23feit: that is the Iron Maiden of the cereal scrape torture

TunnelArmr: right now I'm in one of those modes where I seem to be hungry no matter what I eat
counter23feit: that only happens to me when i'm eating certain things
counter23feit: dead hookers, for example
counter23feit: that hunger just never seems to go away



AmericanQuixote: I try to maintain eye contact with her during a work related conversation
AmericanQuixote: Downside: don't get to check out boobs.
AmericanQuixote: It's too bad girls have them on their front.
AmericanQuixote: Let's get God to work on that for Universe v. 1.2

TunnelArmr: like yellowcake uranium from libya
AmericanQuixote: BTW, that is a totally delicious name for uranium.

chiIled: a friend of mine mentioned that she is not on the pill anymore
chiIled: and i asked why
chiIled: and she said "pure laziness"

KiyreEatsTrees: earlier i got im-gangraped by your trojan burrito groupies

skells528: i really want that to happen but thomas is being dumb about his ex-gf
TunnelArmr: this is the one your parents don't like, right?
skells528: well, in their defense, she is a manipulative bitch
skells528: but in thomas' defense, she is really pretty

espank9: can trojanburrito have a tribute to Mark Foley week?
espank9: the best in innapropriate sexual IMs?

TunnelArmr: do you think there's an alternate dimension where everything is the same as Earth except they tie up boats with Nerds ropes instead of real ropes?
espank9: I'd have to consult my "Sliders" VHS library

espank9: yes Noah, this is God
espank9: I need you to stop wasting your time on the internet and start building a freakin huge ark



sarah70783: A collection of med school jokes:
Will: I got post-translationally modified (after he got switched to the other team in basketball)
Brian: You mean apoptosis? (responding to Jon saying "I drank so much last night, I was dead.")
Brandon: Let's roll out like a neutrophil
Audrey: These lectures are like the amino acid code...they go over the same stuff...you know...degenerate.
me: (crosses fingers) We're tight like Holliday junctions.
Mike N: Gonna study about the Golgi apparatus and his "buddies."

TunnelArmr: do you think that when prostitutes recruit johns over instant messenger, they use the "money mouth" emoticon?
counter23feit: not as much as the "kissy face" emoticon
counter23feit: "c'mon, i'll make it worth your while ... but it'll cost you "
counter23feit: "it's $100 for the and $400 if you want to put it in my "

counter23feit: would you rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell, or Kate Beckinsale 10 minutes after she died?

counter23feit: god
counter23feit: i just ran over a homeless man

timsl17: it's pretty much the only thing i accomplished since i've been home
timsl17: other than designing a "Muhammed is Da Bomb!" t-shirt
timsl17: but that is so 2005

AmericanQuixote: every morning before work do you read the WHOLE INTERNET, start to finish?

espank9: to quote Ben Affleck from good Will Hunting, "If you are still here in forty years, forwarding me links about toilets that incinerate human fecal matter, I'll fucking kill you"

TunnelArmr: http://www.wombatnation.com/essays/incinolet_part2.html
TunnelArmr: it's a toilet that incinerates waste at 1200 degrees instead of flushing it
espank9: you need a girlfriend more than anyone else I know

espank9: I don't know why I'm telling you this
espank9: probably because I kinda consider you as my e-therapist
espank9: always there, but tough to tell if you're actually listening
espank9: and at the end of the day, yeah, I feel better, but I feel like I've been screwed out of sixty bucks and some pride
espank9: oh, you're idle
espank9: how convenient
espank9: (this is the e-equivalent of a real therapist falling asleep in his chair)

chiIled: he has a plane ticket
chiIled: he leaves friday
chiIled: to go to peru
chiIled: and do peyote
chiIled: in the woods
chiIled: with shamans
chiIled: I AM NOT KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING.

On Rudy Giuliani:
AmericanQuixote: I'm not sure I'm rooting for anyone for president in 2008, but I'm definitely against him.
AmericanQuixote: Is there some sort of smear campaign I can volunteer for?





AmericanQuixote: Well, if you aren't going to side with me, why do you even answer?

chiIled: true or false: bat semen can make you fly
chiIled: true...IF you are a bat ovum

espank9: god, it's like I'm e-married to you

JakeV: I was thinking a funny gag gift would be a cardboard cutout of an old school prison guard, with the cutout carrying a big hose, and then you turn it on and it blasts you, solitary confinement shower style, and a speaker in the cutout yells insults at you
JakeV: I was also thinking of writing a screenplay and titling it: Sam Adams: The story of a boy, named after a beer, named after a man

AmericanQuixote: It would be like motorboating the Virgin Mary.

AmericanQuixote: Welcome to the 'Divinely Chosen to Irritate Lindsay Coleman Club'

KiyreEatsTrees: if you drink whole milk regularly
KiyreEatsTrees: YYOOOUUUUUUU AARREEE made of butterrrr

TunnelArmr: which would you say you have a more vivid memory of
TunnelArmr: the first gulf war, or Keds shoes?
chiIled: hmm the gulf war
chiIled: i think it goes
chiIled: keds < desert storm < fundip

TunnelArmr: what if we just picked a state in the US
TunnelArmr: and set it aside as a testing lab for policy ideas
chiIled: utah
chiIled: utah
chiIled: utah

pajamest: when my sister was four years old, she said
pajamest: "only boys can be doctors, and only girls can be nurses."
pajamest: which is amazing, considering she's a feminist now
pajamest: and by feminist, i mean lesbian

chiIled: did you know there is another planet exactly on the opposite side of the sun from earth
chiIled: that is exactly like earth
chiIled: the only difference is on that planet, people eat corn-on-the-cob vertically instead of horizontally
TunnelArmr: are you drunk at work again?
chiIled: no
chiIled: my parents used to tell me that when i was a kid
chiIled: the planet thing, not are you drunk

chiIled: instead of good and evil struggling for your soul
chiIled: it is indolence and ADD
chiIled: congratulations on discovering an entirely new axis of spirituality

timsl17: his boss or whoever that lady is?
timsl17: no wait
timsl17: the woman doctor
timsl17: i forgot about her for a minute because i forgot women can be doctors

espank9: "come back to me noah" -the internet

chiIled: m&ms on their own are good
chiIled: but if you put em in trail mix they seem like the best thing ever
TunnelArmr: yeah, what you are describing is the "plain-looking girl who hangs out with the fat girls with lots of orthodonture" phenomenon
chiIled: yes
chiIled: i was about to say nearly exactly that
chiIled: the DUFF effect: Designated Ugly Fat Friend

TunnelArmr: you obviously need to be a bigger tori amos fan
chicajlp: *sigh*
chicajlp: i always expected you to tell me what i'm doing wrong in my life, but i never thought it would involve tori amos

TunnelArmr: there should be a name for the phenomenon when you drop something and you hear it bounce and think you have a general idea of where it ended up
TunnelArmr: but it's actually like 10 times farther away, and you're like how did it get all the way over THERE?
chiIled: ridicochet



AmericanQuixote: Swiffer should sponser a 'National Buy Your OCD Friend A Gift" Day.

chiIled: google image search that in your pipe and smoke it

chicajlp: when i was 4, i wanted to be tinkerbell in the peter pan on ice show. i gave up when i realized that i couldn't skate, and that tinkerbell is not mexican
chicajlp: my ambitions are a lot less specific now

espank9: I like to think that the Earth is really just one dingleberry out of many on God's anal gland

AmericanQuixote: You just hit a new low.
TunnelArmr: Yes!
TunnelArmr: I wish I had a banner I could unfurl to celebrate this
AmericanQuixote: I think if you use the word 'unfurl' in spoken conversation, it means you are a homosexual.

chicajlp: oh heavens, i knew i wasn't going to like where that was going
TunnelArmr: don't you pretty much know that as soon as I IM you?
chicajlp: well, sometimes you say harmless stuff about jones soda
chicajlp: though i guess i should always know that jones soda could lead to you doing my mom

TunnelArmr: it would be like that time we rented a house in connecticut for a month and it had no TV
TunnelArmr: that was basically what I assume hell is like
counter23feit: no TV for a month?
counter23feit: i'm struggling to come up with an adequate metaphor to describe that situation that isn't related to something i saw on TV



ShoguNate2: i can't wait until i'm famous enough to be publicly plastered and do something awesome like mel gibson
ShoguNate2: like kill a midget prostitute

TunnelArmr: you know what's an awkward situation?
chiIled: when your boss says "look what i just found"
chiIled: and it is a picture of you in drag?
chiIled: note: this occurred about 10 minutes ago

Poshua: so as my plane sat on the tarmac at o'hare
Poshua: I was reflecting on how san francisco-provincetown is possibly the gayest itinerary that one could concieve
Poshua: then 'believe' by cher came on my ipod



TunnelArmr: you know what is a weird body type?
chiIled: triple amputee?

counter23feit: is it inappropriate to then bring a "Sorry your fetus died" cake to work?
counter23feit: i guess whether a miscarriage merits a funeral cake depends on your opinions about abortion

chiIled: once when i was four years old
chiIled: i pooped and it was green
chiIled: and i cried for 3 hours
chiIled: ask my mother

chicajlp: i'm playing bicurious bingo right now
chicajlp: you'd be really good at it
chicajlp: it's when you get a randomly generated bingo board and then go on the craigslist women-seeking-women forum and try to bait people into saying the phrases on your board



TunnelArmr: http://www.advf.com/cheeseburgerfries.html
espank9: I feel like I need to poop just looking at it

nashavirata: let's do something fun this weekend
nashavirata: like bomb israel
nashavirata: or something nearer to home

chicajlp: if i wasn't at work, i'd be saying all kinds of things about cunnilingus
chicajlp: whoops

espank9: I envy your life
TunnelArmr: because I don't sleep on a Murphy Bed in West Hollywood next to a guy named Old Jack who stares at me while I sleep?
TunnelArmr: at least that's how I imagine your apartment
espank9: and I imagine your living situation being you and Tim alternating playing that guitar game for PS2, only to break for trips to baja Fresh, which you have humorously named "The Frezzie"

counter23feit: we should start a low-rent version of Dane Cook's Tourgasm
counter23feit: and we could visit third-world countries instead of concert venues
counter23feit: me, you, william, and philip
counter23feit: and of course the attendant prostitutes

chiIled: if a girl has a 1-year old kid but also has intense fears of commitment, those two cancel each other out and make one well-adjusted chick, right?

nashavirata: you could just do something really scandalous
nashavirata: but then i guess we couldn't really plait each other's hair and gossip about it if you did it
nashavirata: but oh how i do love to plait your hair

espank9: generally, during working hours, don't send me to askporn.com

counter23feit: part of me is really sad i wasn't born in the 16th century so there was still a large portion of the Earth left unexplored
counter23feit: so i could map it
counter23feit: and have sex with native women

Jackankath: brunch at thai buddhist temple
Jackankath: they like to cheat taxes
Jackankath: so you exchange money for tokens and exchange tokens for food
Jackankath: chuckie cheese- buddhist style

counter23feit: i am terrified that when i get a new job i won't be able to waste time on the Internet

counter23feit: i actually took the bloody sheets off my bed and threw them in our next-door neighbor's garbage can
counter23feit: if you ever murder someone and need to dispose of the body, you know who to call



TunnelArmr: it sort of bothers me that the term "date rape" has the narrow meaning that it does
TunnelArmr: because then there is no good phrase for going on a date with someone against their will
counter23feit: i think at that point it ceases to be a date
counter23feit: and becomes a kidnapping

quapakelli: did you get the lacrosse coach pregnant?



TunnelArmr: god damn it, my shoe is falling apart
AmericanQuixote: They soled you an inferior product?
TunnelArmr: I hate you
AmericanQuixote: Hey, don't shoed the messenger.

Dazedy84: first you're gleeful
Dazedy84: then you giggle
Dazedy84: and now the SMILY ICON
Dazedy84: jesus christ noah
Dazedy84: if it's lithium let me know

AmericanQuixote: That waterproofing spray stuff works great. When I have kids, I'll waterproof them every morning instead of buying them clothes.
AmericanQuixote: Hope they don't get molested!

counter23feit: fuck, i had something important to ask you earlier
TunnelArmr: "important" or actually important?
counter23feit: really important
counter23feit: i think it was about the Planeteers

espank9: so I went to my high school reunion this weekend
espank9: and my prom date - senior year - has doubled in size
espank9: she is now probably 250 lbs.
espank9: if not more
espank9: now - the question is
espank9: Did she eat Danny DeVito? And if so, can she not poop him out?

pajamest: no full frontal nudity?
pajamest: noah, i hardly knew ye

nashavirata: you should just beat her a little until she's unconscious and then hold her hand
nashavirata: I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT

After finishing her last final:
skells528: you know what the biggest difference between now and a half hour ago is?
skells528: when i was looking at trojanburrito.com a half hour ago it was called procrastinating
skells528: now it's called entertainment

AmericanQuixote: I think he is slowly evaporating, as more and more of his brain is uploaded onto the internet.
AmericanQuixote: He doesn't even have a chest anymore, and doesn't want us to find out.

Poshua: the idea of the "metrosexual" is that they're not actually gay
Poshua: even though they're, you know, frequently actually gay

Oroko Saki 69: that's the time when the flight attendant asked me if i wouldnt mind moving to the back of the plane cause i was too fat
Oroko Saki 69: she didnt say that but that is what she was thinking
Oroko Saki 69: bitch

AmericanQuixote: Yo, I just dreamt that I woke up and wandered into your room (because I lived at your house) and you had like ten people spending the night. I guess all your friends were over because one chick was getting married to another chick today. There were some cute girls, except for one who had an unusual birth defect - she had the head of a kangaroo.

chiIled: "utter desolation" is an emotion dogs definitely are familiar with
chiIled: like when my dog spends half an hour begging me while i eat fried chicken
chiIled: then i get up and just throw the scraps away
chiIled: his agenda goes 1) hope phil gives all the scraps to me 2) follow phil to kitchen in case he drops the chicken for a lightning fast gorge-fest as he tries to clean it up 3) immediately retreat to living room to eat the crumb he accidentally dropped 17 minutes ago

chiIled: i had a brilliant idea for a trick to teach your dog
chiIled: well not a "trick" exactly
chiIled: but you teach your dog "psyche!"
chiIled: like you go to the kitchen and fill his bowl up with food
chiIled: then you look at him and go "PSYCHE!" and pour all the food back
chiIled: if you get him so trained that he leaves the room after you say it before you even pour it out
chiIled: oh man
chiIled: that is like revenge for all the caveman babies who got eaten by wolf packs

On a Bruce Springsteen concert:
skells528: he didn't play any of his old stuff
skells528: it was all folk music
skells528: needless to say a lot of men with bandanas were angry

espank9: I refuse to believe that you are idle
espank9: as if you had the ability to forget to put up an away message
espank9: or, wait, are you in some sort of danger
espank9: is this a duress code?
espank9: I will alert the planeteers

KiyreEatsTrees: becoming an analyst is one of those completely intentional decisions that just demonstrates how sketchy you are
KiyreEatsTrees: it's like becoming a gynecologist, except not as creepy

espank9: Lindsay and William should be the brangelina of trojanburrito.com

"My new room is pretty big. It's big enough for at least a four-person gangbang." -Dave

TunnelArmr: that guy is so weird
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: too bad there is no undo button for meeting people

Another "Guess The Context" Game:
nashavirata: now i'm going to think about exploding vaginas every time the pop rocks burn hot and fast in my mouth

cdb983: there is a change I want you to make to trojanburrito.com
cdb983: In the disclaimer section
cdb983: add the following:
cdb983: "trojanburrito.com does not endorse insults of Josh Groban, and does not deny that he is an amazing singer. Poshua is jealous of his talent."

counter23feit: their pictures take like two whole seconds to load
counter23feit: it's like, i wanted to see Jessica Simpson when i clicked that link one full second ago
counter23feit: COME OOONNNNNNN

espank9: I'm looking at porn
espank9: my head is awash with sexual escapades that I will never convince my girlfriend to take part in

On the 24 Season Finale:
counter23feit: i'm still in shock over that ending
counter23feit: it was like someone offering you an ice cream cone and then punching you in the groin and shoving it down your pants

TunnelArmr: I was already planning to write that in the card
TunnelArmr: "I couldn't decide what to get you for your birthday, so I got you diabetes"
hangwidave: so is that in the "Condolences" or "Happy Birthday" section at Hallmark?

A Chat Between Josh And His Roommate:
Elisabeth: i just read trojanburrito.com
Elisabeth: it is hilarious
Josh: it is hilarious
Elisabeth: why are there so many gay jokes about noah?
Elisabeth: he's straight, right?
Elisabeth: it's sometimes hard to tell.

counter23feit: i would never have a MMF threesome no matter how hot the girl was
counter23feit: MMF=fag-fag-whore
counter23feit: so it has been written

skells528: i strive to be kiyreeatstrees, i just can't do it

TunnelArmr: how come no mexican restaurants ever use the word "mexcellent" in their marketing copy?
counter23feit: it invites the possibility for too many other words
counter23feit: like "mexplosive diarrhea"

hangwidave: I love commercials I feel dirty watching
hangwidave: plus I love flying semen

TunnelArmr: when do you get into town?
counter23feit: i'm supposed to arrive at 2:27 Pacific time
counter23feit: also i'm connecting in Detroit so there's a good chance my plane might be hijacked and sold for parts

Poshua: so your strategy is to ignore your date and devote your attention to describing to some other girl what you want to do with her boyfriend's balls?
Poshua: that is not going to get you very much ass
Poshua: unless her boyfriend is into that sort of thing

TunnelArmr: it was this past march
TunnelArmr: two months ago
RK1000: wow has it been that long since march?
RK1000: dont answer that. i checked and yes it has.

TunnelArmr: [insert pun about taking it strong to the hole here]
timsl17: did you take it strong to the
timsl17: oh never mind

counter23feit: GOD DAMN IT OUR OFFICE IS INFESTED WITH TINY FRUIT FLIES



TunnelArmr: say something really funny right now
chiIled: cant
chiIled: too busy procrasturbating

Jackankath: here i was hoping this would be where our relationship started and all you can think about is kissing michele uhlfelder



TunnelArmr: I know a married girl whose facebook interests are jesus, harry potter, and her husband, in that order
TunnelArmr: if I were her husband, I would beat her
timsl17: or burn the bible in her vagina

counter23feit: that's how i generally eat things
counter23feit: out of women's butts

missbishop: have you ever tried smiling in photos?
missbishop: or in life generally?

On the merits of college vs. work:
TunnelArmr: on the downside, I have to go to work all day
TunnelArmr: but the upside is, they give me money to do it!
chiIled: on the downside i have to go to school
chiIled: and on the other downside i pay them to do it
chiIled: on the upside, however: substance abuse and fornication

ShoguNate2: AWEEEESOMMMMEEEE
ShoguNate2: THERE ARE PULLDOWN MENUS
ShoguNate2: AND A WILLIAM EXES FILTER
ShoguNate2: PROBABLY THE COOLEST THING SINCE LASER TAG
ShoguNate2: and LASER TAG WAS FRICKING COOL

AmericanQuixote: I think you need a girlfriend.
AmericanQuixote: We'll Dr. Doolittle it, with an atlas of girls and a dart.

KiyreEatsTrees: i'm actually pretty opposed to coconut shreds or bits in any form
KiyreEatsTrees: whenever i accidentally eat a coconut truffle in a box of chocolates, it's like
KiyreEatsTrees: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

pajamest: i was just washing dishes in my bikini and i thought, i look like mormon porn

espank9: you could be so productive if you spent your time on meaningful things
espank9: instead of quoting Billy Madison
espank9: although I do admit that I watched that fine movie with Nicole this weekend, and she got VERY annoyed that I would detail all the parts the station edited out for time/content reasons
espank9: ME: OH Man, that's the best part - Billy holds the duck up to Miss Lippy and says "That's Quacktastic!"
espank9: Nicole: (Groans)

missbishop: i just typed "that might be offensive"
missbishop: and then thought "sarah, you idiot" and backspaced

counter23feit: i think this conversation is actually so unnecessary we're traveling back in time

Poshua: this uberchristian girl I know from Harvard lists her interests as follows on the facebook:
Poshua: Interests: sudoku, Jesus, words, politics, basketball, reality tv, Hawaiiana, travel
Poshua: I love that Jesus comes second, after sudoku



KaraMelinda: there was an 80 year old breast cancer patient who came into the clinic today who referred to her removed breast as her "filet o' fish"

JakeV: I think if I worked for CTU, I'd carry a really complicated, old gun like a Blunderbuss or something.
JakeV: Basically anything that takes like 8 steps to shoot, cuz whenever Jack or Tony want to intimidate people they always pull a gun, and then later if they need that extra oomph of bad assitude they cock the gun.
JakeV: But once you do that, you're basically out of options, except for shooting the guy.
JakeV: With an old timey musket, you could be all WHERE IS THE BOMB? And then, when they give you some horseshit response like "I don't know" or "Wait...we're back to a bomb again? Didn't we already do that in season 1?" you could slowly clean out the barrel with one of those rod things.

TunnelArmr: so [Name Deleted] is a cop now
TunnelArmr: and he was telling us how they had to wrestle this homeless guy to the ground on the sidewalk the other night
TunnelArmr: and the guy was bleeding
TunnelArmr: and he yelled out "YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE AIDS YOU BASTARD!"
KiyreEatsTrees: that's really weird, because i totally went to high school with a guy named [Name Deleted]
KiyreEatsTrees: but he was voted "least likely to wrestle a bleeding homeless guy to the ground while yelling, 'you'd better not have aids, you bastard'"



counter23feit: tell Nasha that she's way behind the curve
counter23feit: I was making "Noah killed Jesus" jokes YEARS ago

nashavirata: happy easter murderer

KiyreEatsTrees: i was clicking the wikipedia random article link until i got to an entry relating to star wars
KiyreEatsTrees: and it only took around 75 clicks
KiyreEatsTrees: so i'm going to go ahead and say that more than 1% of wikipedia is star wars information

Poshua: I want a muhammad buddy icon

counter23feit: i'll just get a used butt plug instead of a new one
counter23feit: sorry, a "pre-owned" butt plug

counter23feit: i just lost 4000 dollars
counter23feit: it's depressing because i had already started cataloguing stuff i was going to buy and how my life was going to improve with that money
counter23feit: and now the unhatched chickens i was counting are being forcibly inserted into my ass

skinnypuppy520: are you dating anyone?
skinnypuppy520: jack bauer doesn't count

TunnelArmr: there's an express lane to my profile
TunnelArmr: but instead of "fewer than nine items" it's "more than zero masturbation references"
skinnypuppy520: wow, i don't know whether that's mortifying or hysterical
skinnypuppy520: but it is definitely at one of those extremes

skinnypuppy520: i build up my pecs by masturbating furiously three times a week, and that always feels extremely productive

AmericanQuixote: But we can't accuse him of crimes we only think he's capable of.
AmericanQuixote: I take that back.
AmericanQuixote: We totally can.



chiIled: its a joke
TunnelArmr: in order for it to count as a joke, doesn't it have to be funny?
chiIled: i am going to poop in your mouth

chiIled: i bet it would be mostly DUI Lawyers and shady internet perscriptions
chiIled: prescriptions
chiIled: fuck
chiIled: i hate misspelling shit that looks like i actually think the word is spelled that way
chiIled: i'll spell something like "viper" as "vi9erp" and not bother to correct myself
chiIled: but perscription is just close enough that you might think i'm a retard
chiIled: hold on
chiIled: i would like to express this concept as a bullseye. of spelling
chiIled:

chiIled: that shit enrages me
chiIled: get it straight
chiIled: if you are not black, you must curve the bill of your hat
chiIled: even eminem curves the fucking bill of his hat

espank9: HOW HAVE YOU NOT READ THAT BOOK
espank9: I will now refute any argument you forever bring to my attention with, "Yeah, but you haven't read Ender's Game"

counter23feit: i wonder if "Ride of the Valkyries" spontaneously plays whenever they're having sex
counter23feit: at least that's how i imagine it

counter23feit: and what do you think the answer is?
counter23feit: i'm sorry, i got distracted by a bird

missbishop: who are you, why are you being nice to me, and where is the real noah?
missbishop: ....awaiting the sting in the tail....

espank9: when you first IMed me, the production exec for Family Guy (important FOX person) was sitting at my desk
espank9: I had forgot to put up an away message
espank9: and then I saw that you had IMed me
espank9: and I was thinking, "Oh please, do not let this message be about masturbating midgets or mime rape or whatever it is that dominates your usual conversations"
espank9: I cannot tell you how glad I was to read that the subject was field hockey

chiIled: do you think any sumo wrestlers have put on those big sumo suits and chuckled at the irony?

KiyreEatsTrees: goro from mortal kombat?
TunnelArmr: as opposed to the other Goro, the famous abolitionist senator?
KiyreEatsTrees: well
KiyreEatsTrees: frederick douglass's afro was actually named goro

KiyreEatsTrees: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/14/beauty.queen.death.ap/index.html
KiyreEatsTrees: just try to say something inoffensive about that
KiyreEatsTrees: I DARE YOU

On the perfect gift for a woman:
AmericanQuixote: An orchid. Those things are like twenty, thirty bucks, are nice, and show that "Although I look tough, I'm sensitive enough to appreciate beauty and intuit that you might like this. Also, I'm confident enough in my masculinity to demonstrate this sensitivity. And it looks more expensive than it is."



KiyreEatsTrees: i don't think any of the default aim emoticons are nuanced enough to fully convey my reaction to that

skinnypuppy520: so you're saying the past two years have just been some kind of companion program to your south beach dieting?
skinnypuppy520: quit playing games with my heart, noah

KiyreEatsTrees: i think the fact that it decomposes into poison is beyond the limit of fair play
KiyreEatsTrees: it's like how the aliens (from alien) are all fast and invincible and have spiky tails and two mouths and also they bleed acid
KiyreEatsTrees: that could probably be a good argument against intelligent design

chiIled: who would ever hang out with a disabled person?

TunnelArmr: your smoke alarm has a sleep button?
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: the "I SEE THE FUCKING FIRE GOD SHUT UP" button

A meditation on the Zen essence of the banana peel, in five parts
Part One:
chiIled: i just ate a banana
chiIled: it made me realize, banana peels are the quintessential garbage item
chiIled: the trash can was already overflowing but with pretty benign stuff: paper plates, paper towels, etc. but i put one banana peel on top and now its like "wow, now that really looks like trash"
Part Two:
chiIled: banana peels fit the garbage triple crown: ubiquitous, colorful, wretched.
Part Three:
chiIled: a fresh banana peel isnt disgusting, but in like five minutes it looks like it got a case of brown acne
chiIled: then it's like "get that fucking garbage out of here"
Part Four:
chiIled: i mean
chiIled: almost anything that belongs in the trash can would be ok if it was the only thing on the floor of an otherwise clean room
chiIled: an empty cereal box, a soda can
chiIled: but a banana peel
chiIled: and it's like "WHAT A FUCKING DUMP" *slip*
Part Five:
chiIled: there is no way to prove it, but i bet every pile of garbage i have ever imagined had exactly one banana peel, on the top

espank9: your stories are much better than Lindsay Coleman's
espank9: and usually more racist

KaraMelinda: it was a very classy evening
KaraMelinda: quite the change from last year, when i was eating whip cream off the floor and getting assaulted by an enormous black dildo

missbishop: lord forbid you should turn your talents towards contributing to the national economy, rather than the national wasting of time.

TunnelArmr: you don't want to try it with me?
mindymunki: i don't want to try anything with you
mindymunki: you are scary

KiyreEatsTrees: i had this nightmare that giant praying mantises were nesting in my bedroom
KiyreEatsTrees: which is probably the worst setting for a nightmare, since usually when you wake up from one it's a relief that you're just in your bedroom
KiyreEatsTrees: except this time it was more like OH GOD WHERE ARE THE MANTISES

espank9: why am I confident that you didn't have to go to imdb.com to find out that character's name?
espank9: you are a veritable treasure trove of information rivaling only my fictional wife's vaginal diamond mine

missbishop: i see where you get your competitiveness from
missbishop: or perhaps your talent for demeaning the achievements of others.

AmericanQuixote: I was thinking earlier that you and I and Josh and Bronwen should have a foursome just so we can use Arrested Development related foreplay.

espank9: I have no response to that
espank9: it is absolutely correct
espank9: I wish you weren't so infallible

On not seeing Brokeback Mountain:
Poshua: that's so straight

TunnelArmr: does that mean what I think it means?
missbishop: well it doesn't involve nazis, racists, or anal sex, so probably not.

missbishop: i searched trojanburrito.com for 'ape'
missbishop: and thus far came up with clown rape, trucker rape, statutory rape, and mime rape

TunnelArmr: I can't believe you read an Alton Brown book
skinnypuppy520: you were exactly the person i pictured making fun of me when i bought the book, actually

AmericanQuixote: It's like Jacob and Esau - you're going to steal my blessing, you son of a bitch!
AmericanQuixote: Go slaughter a goat, asshole.

AmericanQuixote: No, I never saw that.
TunnelArmr: That you remember.
AmericanQuixote: You and your ad hominem attacks.

espank9: it's a little game I like to call "penetrate the vagina"



missbishop: i'm off to try on formal dresses to make myself feel better by proving definitively that i DO NOT RESEMBLE YOU

chiIled: i wonder how many single conversations you and i have had that could, alone, prevent me from ever taking a wife
chiIled: dozens. hundreds?

LiNDS10000: how much do you hate yourself for setting me and william up inadvertently?
LiNDS10000: i'm all up in your business now and more annoying than ever
LiNDS10000: don't you LOVE IT??

Poshua: yeah, you win
Poshua: go ahead and chalk one up
Poshua: if there's still space on your side of the you vs. william board

AmericanQuixote: Oh.
AmericanQuixote: I'm going to pretend as if I'm still right.

chiIled: uh oh
chiIled: the north korean figure skaters placed last
chiIled: they are so getting executed

TunnelArmr: there was a clean t-shirt on the floor, and I had to wipe my nose
TunnelArmr: and I was too lazy to a) get a kleen-ex and b) put the shirt back on the shelf
TunnelArmr: so I wiped my nose on the shirt and threw it in my dirty laundry pile
chiIled: nice work
chiIled: i also would have accepted "i didnt want to iron it, so i just threw it away"

TunnelArmr: why isn't there a budding market for terminally ill people selling citizenship through marriage to pay medical bills or provide for loved ones?
espank9: I don't think the US Government is as stupid as you assume them to be
espank9: I think they can see past Olga from Siberia marrying Mark "No White Blood Cell" Markson

TunnelArmr: Cambodia is a violent place
counter23feit: did the pyramids of skulls tip you off?

Poshua: I win this argument by default due to your failure to respond in time
Poshua: (I just made the motion of licking my finger and chalking one up for myself)



skinnypuppy520: we could go visit those nepalese princesses
skinnypuppy520: and look like serious suitors to her impoverished subjects
skinnypuppy520: and then parlay the goodwill we generate by sprinkling nickles on the street into forcing one of them to marry us
skinnypuppy520: then we could institute some free-market reforms and start some slave labor
skinnypuppy520: and then we could totally be like christopher walken in 'the rundown'
TunnelArmr: why do I get the feeling you've thought about this before?
skinnypuppy520: i'm not going to lie
skinnypuppy520: banging nepalese princesses has never been far from my mind

Poshua: what does PWR stand for?
Poshua: and what about PBF?
Poshua: this profile update is distressingly jargon-heavy
Poshua: don't you want your work to be accessible to the Harvard-educated layman?

TunnelArmr: the first one
TunnelArmr: I mean
TunnelArmr: the second one
TunnelArmr: well
TunnelArmr: I meant the first one when I said the first one
TunnelArmr: but after you asked the question and I had already typed it, the connotation of that phrase flipped
TunnelArmr: so the first/second one
chiIled: you just gave me brain cancer

counter23feit: porn has taught me so much
counter23feit: anal is the new second base
counter23feit: there's no such thing as a female orgasm
counter23feit: and all women are bisexual



counter23feit: boobs that big almost NEVER look good when they're exposed, unless they're fake
counter23feit: she would be great until the point when she took off her bra, at which point your penis would jump off and run away to Alaska

skinnypuppy520: update your profile quotes
skinnypuppy520: i swear, the longer it goes without an update, the more it is like you're dead to me

TunnelArmr: all publicity is good publicity, or so I hear
AmericanQuixote: I hope so. Otherwise my appearance next Thursday on "Cops" is going to be embarassing.

TunnelArmr: I don't think war is quite the game of whack-a-mole you're representing it as
AmericanQuixote: That's our plan in Iraq, basically. "Insurgents over here! WHACK EM! Insurgents over there! WHACK EM!"

On Mormons:
counter23feit: i wonder what it's like to be inside their brains
counter23feit: i bet it would be like having a lobotomy
counter23feit: or being five

AmericanQuixote: The previous quote is not approved for www.TrojanBurrito.com. Any attempt to distribute it without permission will be prosecuted.

counter23feit: you can never get enough seafood/vagina jokes



quapakelli: if jack bauer and i were both in a burning building and you could only save one of us, who would you pick?
quapakelli: and don't you dare say jack bauer could save himself

TunnelArmr: the soto twins sort of remind me of station from bill & ted's bogus journey
hangwidave: so when they run together they form a huge singular entity that can build robots of you and me to fight our evil-us robots?
TunnelArmr: exactly
hangwidave: that never struck me until now. But it makes so much sense

Jackankath: i'll tell you one thing, having a violinist next door makes even the most mundane activities highly dramatic

skells528: you make me re-define weird every day

KiyreEatsTrees: let's preemptively make ocean's 14
KiyreEatsTrees: then in 2009, steven soderbergh will be like
KiyreEatsTrees: DOH

chiIled: 1 in 3 kids in west virginia will have diabetes by adulthood
chiIled: now that's ownage.
chiIled: by obesity.

On Bangladesh:
chiIled: those dudes wrote the fucking book on poverty
chiIled: people are like "bangla-what???" oh, the poor country"

chiIled: Your search - "giant panda" "reverse cowgirl" nsfw - did not match any documents.

counter23feit: wow, this is really depressing
counter23feit: i'm so angry i'm going to go eat an entire box of cereal

Poshua: March 4-5 is potential co-worker bonding weekend in SF
TunnelArmr: co-worker bonding? there are some fetish shops for that in SF
Poshua: as soon as I typed that in, I felt secure in my knowlege that the gay joke was on its way



TunnelArmr: I was wondering
TunnelArmr: do you think that the regional economies of the car wash industry are intensely dependent on the weather?
TunnelArmr: do seattle car washes only turn a profit in the summer?
TunnelArmr: do they have to price more aggressively during the heavy rainfall season?
espank9: what's the theme of tonight's conversation? Rejected PWR research paper topics?

TunnelArmr: I read an article that says a ton of famous scientists use LSD to make their brains solve problems better
counter23feit: i feel like that would divert funds away from curing cancer and toward things like a war on giant pink trolls

AmericanQuixote: There's a new PBF.
TunnelArmr: you mean yarteries or a new one?
AmericanQuixote: ...yarteries.
TunnelArmr: so when you say new, you mean several days old
AmericanQuixote: Can't you for once say, "Wow William, you really found something special and new on the internet. Thanks for pointing me in that direction!"

AmericanQuixote: Playing Battlefield 2 is a little unnerving when you realize there are people our age playing the game in real life, and they only get one ticket.

AmericanQuixote: I feel like trojanburrito should have an option to break the quotes down into "William's exes" and "Not William's Exes"

missbishop: you are such a mine of useless pop culture knowledge
missbishop: actually no, delete "pop culture" from the above
missbishop: given that i once asked you if diamonds were heavy and you knew the answer

missbishop: i like, by the way, how your profile quotes are having ripple effects
missbishop: josh has tried to diversify with cute nicknames
missbishop: but really he's just the american eagle to your abercrombie & fitch

skinnypuppy520: it's really eerie when a site you've been reading for a long time changes its layout dramatically
skinnypuppy520: it's like when one of your good friends gets a cat and tells you she's a lesbian

hangwidave: what a good film needs is tits
hangwidave: I'm sorry
hangwidave: that was inappropriate
hangwidave: what a good film needs ARE tits

counter23feit: she was talking about how she has a cousin in the Philippines named Kirby who happens to be named after the video game "Kirby's Dreamland"
counter23feit: and he is also autistic
counter23feit: and i said that her parents should have blown on him and then put him back into his mother's womb

TunnelArmr: it would be cool to play a game of jenga with much larger pieces
TunnelArmr: like 2x4's
AmericanQuixote: Didn't they do that at Texas A&M?

skells528: i can't help it that i can make even an impotent man horny

AmericanQuixote: Do you think that I should be worried that you threatened to genitally mutilate my girlfriend?
AmericanQuixote: I don't think so.

counter23feit: sometimes i imagine what it would be like if you could take a tribesman from a remote region of Papua New Guinea and just walk him through downtown Manhattan and explain things to him however you saw fit
counter23feit: like "Oh, that building over there was constructed by a giant steel robot who demands human sacrifices of fifty virgins at a time, but he's out of town this week."

LiNDS10000: so yesterday william reminded me that he doesn't believe in God
LiNDS10000: and i said "well yeah, but you believe in the devil"
LiNDS10000: and he's like "yes, and his name is noah"

AmericanQuixote: I had a dream last night that Atlantis tried to field an NBA team, but they were getting spanked because they were used to playing underwater.
AmericanQuixote: NOOBS.

Rakshasa1O: Dude guess what I'm going a lot of now that I don't have a computer
Rakshasa1O: sleeping
Rakshasa1O: It's like my computer was my life-force and now that it's gone I'm only half-alive

TunnelArmr: you'd better start eating a lot of popsicles
Rakshasa1O: I'm gonna get the big-stick kind because they have those hilarious riddles

On the parallels between her boyfriend and Santa Claus:
TunnelArmr: do you leave milk and cookies out at night in case he comes to visit?
skells528: no
skells528: i'm the milk and cookies

The alias 'Rob' refers to the VP of Marketing of one of my clients:
TunnelArmr: Is Andy in his office?
Rob: He's here today, but I can't speak for his exact whereabouts.
Rob: He might be in the ladies room
Rob: Or at the "massage parlor"





counter23feit: In the words of another famous political figure..."It is better to die standing up... than to let Jack Bauer remain fake-dead in Mexico."

KaraMelinda: i just had the biggest TV cocktease moment ever
KaraMelinda: the cable guide said "Dumb and Dumber" was on
KaraMelinda: and it turned out to be "Dumb and Dumberer"

hangwidave: on a serious note, I have an important question to ask you
hangwidave: In the apparent future of Demolition Man, do we still have to wear the virtual-sex helmets in order to masturbate?
TunnelArmr: no, in fact I'm pretty sure they can't provide self stimulation
hangwidave: what if you put the other helmet directly onto your genatalia
TunnelArmr: then maybe you would ejaculate out of the top of your skull instead
hangwidave: I miss the future

Poshua: this is easily the most pointless exchange I've ever had with you
Poshua: which is saying a whole lot

hangwidave: yeah...money seems to be the thing to have these days
hangwidave: it's the new black

AmericanQuixote: Do you think Jesus could turn his hands into machineguns?

jen one45: you are a sinkhole of information, really

counter23feit: my big New Year's resolution was to keep a better quotes list
counter23feit: i'm not very ambitious

ShoguNate2: i like rap
ShoguNate2: it reminds me of the lullabies my mama used to sing

TunnelArmr: what if you were on a platform that was travelling at the speed of light while you played duck hunt
KiyreEatsTrees: that would be a good way to win a duck hunt-related bet
KiyreEatsTrees: they'd be like, "but i didn't know i'd have to play while traveling faster than the speed of liiiight!"
KiyreEatsTrees: and you'd be like, "give me my $20"

TunnelArmr: what, I'm not allowed to roast marshmallows?
LiNDS10000: only if you're with a girl and planning to have sex with her by the fire
LiNDS10000: otherwise, it's kind of homosexual

TunnelArmr: how was it in da club?
chiIled: it was cool
chiIled: i sipped bacardi as if it were my birthday

TunnelArmr: those fastidious germans and their trains
nashavirata: i don't know, they didn't have a problem crowding a lot of people into them at one point

ShoguNate2: you think you're so cool because you're like el rey del cyberspace
ShoguNate2: but just you wait
ShoguNate2: when there's a global thermonuclear holocaust
ShoguNate2: and all the computers stop working
ShoguNate2: and i write a funny phrase on a rock
ShoguNate2: you're gonna be the last motherfucker to see that fucking rock

mindymunki: i have to get drunk to do anything



shaemaureslt:: ah, taking advantage of the retarded
shaemaureslt:: who hasn't done that?

Poshua: Trojan Burrito?
Poshua: is that like a burrito made with a condom instead of a tortilla?
Poshua: I was gonna say, "If so, I'll take a magnum, with sour cream."
Poshua: but I'm gonna workshop it and try to come up with something gayer

KiyreEatsTrees: that was like the most generic euro-dance song ever
KiyreEatsTrees: the only thing that would make it more cliched is if there were a german toilet going UNCE UNCE UNCE

TunnelArmr: hookersandonions.com is also good, and an homage to my favorite quote on the entire site, but it also violates the "don't have the word 'hookers' in the domain name" preference
KiyreEatsTrees: that's your favorite quote on the site?
TunnelArmr: well, it's hard to play favorites
TunnelArmr: those quotes are like my 704 children
TunnelArmr: but that one always comes to mind
KiyreEatsTrees: i can't remember which is my favorite, except that it is a barro creation(tm)

TunnelArmr: you get to see my baby pictures
pajamest: you were a baby?
pajamest: i guess that makes sense
pajamest: i suppose i just assumed you were born as is, like that will ferrell sketch from snl

counter23feit: merry christmas, you Christ-killing Heeb

Poshua: dude, I always knew you could swallow miles and miles of cock
Poshua: good show!
TunnelArmr: what a british thing to say
Poshua: no, they would say "kilometres of cock"



TunnelArmr: I think tonight I'll write a 24-themed takeoff on Twas The Night Before Christmas
timsl17: that's the smartest thing i've heard anyone say ever

TunnelArmr: it's a good thing you let him talk you into that abortion
TunnelArmr: or things would have been awkward
skells528: it's a good thing he performed the abortion
skells528: or things would have been expensive

Poshua: did you see that the leader of the transit workers union compared the strikers to Rosa Parks?
Poshua: he is such an asshole
TunnelArmr: wow, somebody's bitter
Poshua: I'm not bitter, I just hope he gets hit by a subway train and dies, and that his heirs go bankrupt paying the fines he's incurred

TunnelArmr: there's a football player whose first name is "D'Brickashaw"
AmericanQuixote: That's preposterous.
AmericanQuixote: That's like naming your child "Oples'n'Bononos"

On whether Theo Epstein's twin brother should be allowed to impersonate him to get girls:
TunnelArmr: maybe they could negotiate a quota
TunnelArmr: Theo could be like "ok, you can have 4 sluts and 2 innocent but impressionable college students per month, plus a player to be named later, in exchange for salary consideration"
Poshua: so he would like pick up players going into the draft under the false pretense that he'll draft them in exchange for sexual favors?
Poshua: I like the way you think

AmericanQuixote: Did you see they added a libertarian option to political views on the facebook?
TunnelArmr: that happened about a billion years ago
AmericanQuixote: Did you know you can use the internet to download music onto your computer?

timsl17: we should do a clue for the game based on the clover family breasts and ass
timsl17: fuck
timsl17: now seeing preston's ass is going to remind me i'm playing the game
timsl17: and it is hard to miss

pajamest: i worry that will was offended by my blogging him today
TunnelArmr: I hate it when people use the verb "blog" with a direct object
pajamest: blog you, man

TunnelArmr: everyone likes chocolate chip cookies
counter23feit: and gang-raping midget clowns

counter23feit: i specifically remember one week around March of 1995 when i saw Dumb and Dumber for the first time
counter23feit: i think seeing that movie, combined with seeing Lauren Holly's ass in that movie, was the single defining influence on my adolescent life

AmericanQuixote: PS. He got molested last night... actually molested.
AmericanQuixote: He got high and drunk, passed out on the couch, and woke up to a girl fondling his junk and asking 'do you remember my name?'
AmericanQuixote: Fortunately, [name deleted] was there for a hand off.
TunnelArmr: What a samaritan.
AmericanQuixote: Yeah, we were saying he's like a superhero bottomfeeder.

TunnelArmr: I bet there aren't many people who say they're waiting until they get back to UCSB where they'll drink less
chiIled: yeah i am a unique snowflake

TunnelArmr: I lost over 25 pounds in the last month
chiIled: are you like a statue now?
chiIled: i mean, a hairy jewish statue?

JettaGirlP: i love it when people die in the movie
JettaGirlP: like pay it forward
JettaGirlP: loooved that cause of the ending, dead child

TunnelArmr: I always just assume that women hang around naked like turks in a bathhouse when guys aren't around
counter23feit: yeah, that was always my impression of things
counter23feit: taking occasional breaks for pillow fights and cunnilingus

On Having Sex With Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK):
Poshua: he promised me 20% of the funds for his "bridge to nowhere"
Poshua: you would have done the same disgusting thing

counter23feit: you should go to a rehab facility in South Africa and convert to Islam
counter23feit: then come back and say that you don't want to compromise the creative genius of your away messages, so you're stopping them altogether
counter23feit: and just make your profile blank except for the text "Allahu Akbar" and the sunglasses smiley face

hangwidave: my econ-1 teacher always said "there's no such thing as a 6000 dollar a month mansion"
hangwidave: or was that free lunch
hangwidave: I get them confused

TunnelArmr: do you ever find yourself staying up later than you need to reading news and meme sites and checking e-mail and shit even though you know you might as well just wait and do it at work tomorrow?
chiIled: nah
chiIled: only like a few hundred times

AmericanQuixote: I think the most frustrating part about being predictable is that you know that I'm burning up with curiousity about what these meetings are, even though I know that they are something completely mundane that you are only calling 'secret' so that I will burn up with curiousity to know what they are about.
AmericanQuixote:
Seventy years from now:
You: "Hey William, I'm going to get an enema. A secret enema."
Me: (thinking) "What could that secret enema be? I've known him for eighty years, and I know that it's nothing actually exciting, and that as soon as I find out what it is, I'll be disappointed. But what is that enema?"



On hooking up with a person who shall not be named:
AmericanQuixote: Wow. If I could turn back the hands of time for that decision...
AmericanQuixote: If anything, the fact that I didn't jump out of a swirling vortex to stop myself proves that time travel won't ever be possible within our lifetime.

KiyreEatsTrees: i think it would probably work better if you stylized the hat a little
TunnelArmr: that sounds like a job for metaly at gmail.com
KiyreEatsTrees: to the hatcave!!
KiyreEatsTrees: i mean
KiyreEatsTrees: i could probably do that

RK1000: very productive week, got a job and a level 24 dwarf priest
RK1000: one of those things will probably suffer in the next few weeks

AmericanQuixote: So let me get this straight: you've introduced me to a hot single blonde who lives two blocks from my house? ONE MILLION FRIEND POINTS!

AmericanQuixote: DAMN THAT TRACK JACKET GUY!
AmericanQuixote: I was going to go flirt with them, but Track Jacket Guy was goose guarding.
TunnelArmr: I never thought I would hear goose guarding used in such an accurate non-playground setting
AmericanQuixote: Or with so much bitterness.

Drlng Crlng: how are things? you're being unusually quiet
TunnelArmr: things are good
Drlng Crlng: what?
Drlng Crlng: nothing about jerking off while playing videogames?
Drlng Crlng: or doing my mom last night?
Drlng Crlng: what happened to you?

Poshua: I think gays are the model minority
Poshua: not only are we prosperous and educated, we love to teach the straight masses about fashion and home decoration
TunnelArmr: on the other hand, you are an abomination
Poshua: people always bring up that abomination thing!

chicajlp: i'd like to get married on a secluded beach with a minister and just two witnesses
chicajlp: i'm not into big stuff
chicajlp: unless it's penis

TunnelArmr: I have a cold
mindymunki: a cold called herpes?

jen one45: Rent was pretty draining
jen one45: I can only deal with so many people dying from AIDS at one time

timsl17: that reminds me of the other day when I saw two black people within a 10 second span in Boise, Idaho
timsl17: although it could have been the same one, they all look alike

AmericanQuixote: Example number two, check out this e-mail:
  hey there, Well, I guess whenever you have time you can e-mail me, we can e-mail back and forth. Oh that picture you sent, that was classic. You should have gotten that job...you would have been great. You also are very handsome.
    I do have a question though....Are you a man of Christ? Don't worry I'll still talk to you even if you are not! okay, I need to go. I hope to hear from you soon!! Bye!
AmericanQuixote: I do have a question though... Are you an intolerant dumb bitch who i'm not going to be able to have casual sex with?

AmericanQuixote: I hate that tradeoff: if you want big boobs, chances are the girl ain't going to be Kate Moss thin.

KiyreEatsTrees: between that and the togo's story, i think you've lost your "most * ever" privileges for the year
KiyreEatsTrees: you can reapply in january

pajamest: you are unquestionably the weirdest person i know
pajamest: and i know josh barro
pajamest: he's more normal than you

TunnelArmr: I find it really pompous of firefox when I try to go to google and it says "www.google.com could not be found. check the name and try again"
TunnelArmr: it's like, who the hell do you think you are, firefox?
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: its like
chiIled: if you came back to the godfather with that kind of chickenshit answer, you'd be beaten to death
chiIled: what makes you think that answer is ok for me?
chiIled: GO FIND GOOGLE

mindymunki: OOO i gotta go - there's a paternity test maury on



TunnelArmr: it was like I was the guy in Surf Ninjas who makes things happen just by imagining them
AmericanQuixote: Imagine me a super hot horny chick right here.
AmericanQuixote: Also disease free and with a good personality.
AmericanQuixote: And single.
AmericanQuixote: Who finds me incredibly attractive.
AmericanQuixote: And is okay with premarital sex.
AmericanQuixote: And is on birth control, but not the type that makes her fat and cranky.

counter23feit: i'm pretty sure that's the least creative away message you have ever had
counter23feit: your away message is going to be Sports Illustrated's "Sign of the Apocalypse" in next week's issue

KiyreEatsTrees: the guy was like
KiyreEatsTrees: "this site is a literal cornucopia of blah blah etc"
KiyreEatsTrees: which is dumb
KiyreEatsTrees: then the first commenter was trying to be snarky but said something like "i didn't know there could be a literal cornucopia"
KiyreEatsTrees: which is like, EXTRA DUMB: CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION

counter23feit: i gotta go, kara thinks eating food is more important than making hilarious images that make fun of domestic violence using Street Fighter 2 characters

TunnelArmr: the internet is like a bowl of porridge at the north pole
TunnelArmr: where mrs. santa claus drops the almond into the giant pot of it
TunnelArmr: and then one elf finds it in his porridge
TunnelArmr: except the similarities end there
TunnelArmr: because in the case of the internet, it's more like a chestnut in a giant pot of mold or corpse meat or something
KiyreEatsTrees: well
KiyreEatsTrees: that's definitely the weirdest analogy i've ever heard

KiyreEatsTrees: what did little jack horner pull out of the pie
TunnelArmr: his penis
KiyreEatsTrees: NO NOT HIS PENIS

missbishop: i was about to say: i think it's safe to assume that your boredom threshold is a little lower than other people's.
missbishop: and then i realised, you made a site out of AIM quotes.
missbishop: so now i don't know what to think.

counter23feit: i think one of my dangerous personality flaws is my willingness to put myself in a terrible situation just for the potential that it might turn out to be really hilarious

missbishop: have you ever considered that you might be alan dershowitz's long-lost love child?
missbishop: not to malign your mother or anything, but i can definitely see you debating a piece of paper taped to a chair.

chicajlp: i only know 2-syllable words. and the word syllable

KiyreEatsTrees: i don't think the devil really scared me as a kid
KiyreEatsTrees: actually, the idea of the devil is much scarier to me now
KiyreEatsTrees: but that may be mostly because of the devil enemy in castlevania: circle of the moon
KiyreEatsTrees: his attacks did A LOT of damage

For those of you wondering why I'm so disturbed:
JakeV: how about a shirt with Handy Smurf and Smurfette, and underneath it says "I smurf you, but I'm not in Smurf with you"?
JakeV: You could also go the other way and make it really unwholesome
JakeV: Like "I smurfed smurfette in the smurf last night. Now she's damaged goods."
JakeV: or "I don't want to get Papa Smurf's smurfy-seconds"
JakeV: How about one with Bam-Bam raping Fred Flintstone, and Fred is yelling "yabba dabba don't"

counter23feit: god
counter23feit: what goes on inside your brain
counter23feit: you know how i imagine it
counter23feit: it's like inside your head there's a giant stadium full of historical figures and movie characters, and the announcer from the movie Thunderdome just stands in the center and calls people down to perform, or fight with one another

counter23feit: Kara just IMed me from class to let me know that she just ordered a 14" canadian bacon pizza to be delivered to my house
counter23feit: i love her, and the internet

nashavirata: let's get REALLY drunk before you start work
nashavirata: like REALLY drunk
nashavirata: because saying it the first time wasn't enough

counter23feit: i wish there was a futures market dedicated solely to the observation of my life
counter23feit: so if i went out for cheap seafood or something, traders would be in a panic over whether i would attend work the next day

nashavirata: the mallet has a rubber-wrapped grip with a webbed thong for wrapping around the hand and a flexible bamboo-cane shaft with a bamboo head 9 1/2 inches in length, the whole weighing about 7 ounces and varying from 48 to 53 inches, depending on pony size and length of a player's arm.
nashavirata: haha thong
nashavirata: shaft
nashavirata: head
nashavirata: inches
nashavirata: size
nashavirata: length

TunnelArmr: http://www.thewoodenrobot.com/shirts.html
counter23feit: well, your evening's booked

TunnelArmr: that's the best link I've seen today
counter23feit: i feel honored
counter23feit: considering the number i imagine that you see is probably best expressed as a power of ten

hangwidave: There really is a lack of good Buddhist jokes
TunnelArmr: how about
TunnelArmr: my tree fell in your mom's forest, and she definitely made a sound
TunnelArmr: and then we experienced spontaneous enlightenment without reading scripture
TunnelArmr: if you know what I mean
hangwidave: yeah...you really didn't need to go further than "she made a sound"
hangwidave: but I understand the need to drag that one out
hangwidave: beat a dead horse until it comes back to life and tells a good joke, I always say

jen one45: pap smears are so fun!
jen one45: the little broom thing
jen one45: man, they are awesome

counter23feit: there are only two or three things that would be more pleasing to have sex on top of than a giant pile of old-school Nintendo cartridges
counter23feit: i think the other ones are pirate gold doubloons and Double-Doubles
counter23feit: also, possibly other naked women

counter23feit: well, we don't have a PS2 here
TunnelArmr: do you live in a cave in Tora Bora?
counter23feit: listen, not all of us can be privileged enough to own the Holy Alliance of entertainment systems that you and your Jew cabal have stockpiled back there

Rakshasa1O:: fuck dude, I didn't pay for half the drugs I did and I still spent like $80
Rakshasa1O:: There are so many goddamned transactions

pajamest: josh commented tonight that he thinks i am your ideal woman
pajamest: i'm not sure why
pajamest: i'm mannish?
pajamest: and you're clearly gay?

syyd67: we're trying to get a big obnoxious group together
syyd67: and being that you are both big and obnoxious
syyd67: i bet you would make a good addition

TunnelArmr: bon the other hand, she doesn't have a sense of humor
TunnelArmr: or pigment in her skin
chicajlp: yeah, i have pigment, but i'm mexican so i probably stole it, and your impala

TunnelArmr: I prefer to see the glass as half empty
TunnelArmr: but not literally, in the sense that I focus on the lack of lesbians
TunnelArmr: the reverse of that
TunnelArmr: only figuratively, in the sense that I place little stock in her claims, and am pessimistic about their weight
TunnelArmr: the glass metaphor didn't work out so well for me
chicajlp: you're too weird to be this picky

TunnelArmr: my dad can use jurisprudential language in even the most inappropriate circumstances
Dazedy84: i just looked up jurisprudential online
Dazedy84: i need a reference book to IM with you noah

nashavirata: hey rosa parks is dead
nashavirata: but i'm sure you knew that already
nashavirata: because of your fascination with black old women
nashavirata: and by black old women, i mean your speed at obtaining any sort of information found on the internet

chicajlp: do you ever feel skeptical when you meet a SoCal girl with big boobs?
chicajlp: like you feel that they are probably fake?
chicajlp: and then you give 'em a squish just to see?

chicajlp: i prefer that gaping vaginas keep their distance from me...i'm scared it's like a black hole and i'll be swallowed
chicajlp: NO ONE wants that

TunnelArmr: you should set her up with him
TunnelArmr: I think his penis is lonely
chicajlp: i think his penis will get lost in her expansive funhole



espank9: I was recently subscribed to the trancos chat list for reasons that are beyond me
espank9: what should be my first/last email
espank9: to that list
TunnelArmr: I don't know, unexpected, consequence-free membership to a dorm list full of impressionable young students is the kind of thing I dream about
espank9: yeah, i feel like i've hit the majordomo jackpot



chicajlp: all tim knows about bible study is that it would be funny to fart in the middle of one

Poshua: I'll take ejaculation over retards any day



Jackankath: baltimore
Jackankath: but bodymore because of all the crime
Jackankath: bodymore murderland is the full name

counter23feit: awesome
counter23feit: that's the "don't forget your sunglasses, lest you develop an ocular melanoma" emoticon



skinnypuppy520: i'm eating goldfish though
skinnypuppy520: they're basically soul food for suburban white kids

counter23feit: i think i would retroactively abort one of my children for a condo in Vegas
counter23feit: especially if it was a girl

skinnypuppy520: why the hell does new orleans' mayor always look like he's just walked out of an old navy sale?
skinnypuppy520: wait for it...
skinnypuppy520: wait for it...
skinnypuppy520: his wardrobe is probably under water
skinnypuppy520: i figured it out for myself

pajamest: you spent too much time on that to justify it
TunnelArmr: only about 20 seconds
TunnelArmr: is that 20 seconds too long?
pajamest: yes
TunnelArmr: story of my life
pajamest: i thought that had more to do with 20 seconds not being long enough

KarnigP: Im going to shoot the first woman you impregnate
TunnelArmr: that's a relatively horrible thing to say
KarnigP: its probably already too late to do that anyway
KarnigP: am I wrong

chiIled: maybe the government should just wise up and realize that humans are just meant to drive drunk

shaemaureslt: that is so gay
shaemaureslt: like me
shaemaureslt: i would rather have sex with a woman than not have six photos of you on my table

ParysLu: do you have a place to stay?
ParysLu: you can stay with me
ParysLu: I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION

TunnelArmr: you can do anything on the internet
ShoguNate2: i betcha that's not true
ShoguNate2: can i bet you can't find something?
TunnelArmr: tell me what it is first
ShoguNate2: step by step instructions for female circumcision
TunnelArmr: you're on
ShoguNate2: wait
ShoguNate2: I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION

TunnelArmr: I think that Bush nominated that woman for the Supreme Court just because SNL asked him to nominate someone Rachel Dratch could easily impersonate
KiyreEatsTrees: she looks A LOT like rachel dratch
KiyreEatsTrees: i hope the first case she has to hear is "dratch v. people who want to shoot rachel dratch in the face"
KiyreEatsTrees: or maybe "dratch v. m. bison"

TunnelArmr: I'll whip you into shape
mindymunki: the distance might be a bit of a problem
mindymunki: plus the fear that when you say you'll whip me into shape that you mean you'd actually whip me

KaraMelinda: it's like the tree falling in the woods
KaraMelinda: if you expose your penis to someone without them knowing about it, are there any legal ramifications
KaraMelinda: or rather, if a penis is exposed in the woods and nobody's there to see it, does it become indecent exposure



chiIled: step 1) murder that dude
chiIled: step 2) steal his machine
chiIled: step 3) bring glory to your family

KiyreEatsTrees: being ungrateful about stuff on the internet is one of my innate abilities
KiyreEatsTrees: it's like my mutant power



TunnelArmr: people at stanford have class tomorrow
KiyreEatsTrees: you should go to one
KiyreEatsTrees: then halfway though stand up and go, oh yeah, i GRADUATED
KiyreEatsTrees: then start eating a HUGE sandwich

almightygad: mmmmmmpreteens
almightygad: so tender and juicy
almightygad: like a florentine steak

ParysLu: we could work as a con team
ParysLu: you could be the mastermind and i'd be the one with the boobs.

nashavirata: did i tell you about my friend who wants to start a t-shirt business in the philippines?
nashavirata: i told her about some of your ideas
nashavirata: she thinks you're sick

TunnelArmr: wow, that's a long session of sexual intercourse
hangwidave: yup
hangwidave: better bring the jelly

TunnelArmr: and you won't get the full aural experience
mjorganism: huhuhu aural
TunnelArmr: I knew that was coming
mjorganism: huhuhu coming



TunnelArmr: you are even more disturbed than I am
Kik i t krazy: thats probably one of the most insulting things anyone has ever said to me.

TunnelArmr: hallmark should make a card that says "Thinking of you..." on the front and on the inside it says "and your hairy upper lip. Fucking wax that shit already."
KarnigP: i bet they have an email request address
KarnigP: but I have a feeling you have already sent them mail before

TunnelArmr: I do it for the kids
Poshua: you should join the priesthood

TunnelArmr: you've already proven yourself a barrier-breaker
TunnelArmr: why not keep blazing a trail
TunnelArmr: and eventually you will break the vaginal sex barrier too
Poshua: doesn't that only happen when she's a virgin?

TunnelArmr: that rather specific and qualified observation is duly noted
Poshua: from your tone I gather you think that's not a very important line of inquiry
Poshua: look who suddenly has standards for how he spends his time

skinnypuppy520: half of all teens have had oral sex
TunnelArmr: received or given?
skinnypuppy520: they didn't ask that question in the survey
TunnelArmr: well, what if it's like, half of all teenagers have received oral sex, but there is only one guy and one girl giving it on the entire continent
TunnelArmr: and they have a magical mouthfucking sleigh that allows them to visit all the children of the world in one night to perform oral sex
skinnypuppy520: have you considered a career directing porn flicks?

TunnelArmr: it is a suicide cauldron
skinnypuppy520: sort of like cornell university
skinnypuppy520: ba-ZING



KiyreEatsTrees: apparently some universities actually give out G grades to plagiarists, which is interesting in sort of an in-n-out secret menu kind of way
KiyreEatsTrees: i'm too lazy to follow that up with a neapolitan shake joke

TolRosebud: Realistic Life Goals (all of which have already been achieved by uber-successful Brian Dunne):
1. Have posted on Thomas Porter's imdb page.
2. Own upper-deck tickets to a Thursday afternoon White Sox - Royals game.
3. Bike from my childhood home to "Secor Metropark," a distance of nearly nine miles.
4. Rent a studio apartment with minimally-stained carpeting.
5. Run the Campus Drive loop.
6. Get a shout-out on an Alabama native's blog.
7. Go to the triple-A International League All-Star Game.
8. Play PGA Championship Golf 1995 for Sega Genesis.
9. Be tall. Be short. Just be.
10. Masturbate while watching Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune.
11. Read a pre-broadcast episode of "Nip/Tuck."
12. Own a 2000 Chevrolet Cavalier with under 50k on the odometer.



After my internet connection came back up:
KiyreEatsTrees: welcome back to the first world

KiyreEatsTrees: i can't decide whether i hate the internet, or if i just hate everyone
KiyreEatsTrees: or if those are close enough to being the same thing at this point

Poshua: I beat her in the competition where we had to look up things in the reference book
Poshua: thus winning myself and my co-worker cadbury's dairy milk bars
Poshua: her displeasure about this was palpable and delicious, much like the chocolate itself

mjorganism: witty quip plz witty quip plz witty quip plz witty quip plz witty quip plz

nashavirata: i can't believe we had a whole talk about beds yesterday that didn't devolve into dirty jokes
nashavirata: i'm disappointed in us

timsl17: seeing the old school quote in her profile in pink writing just ruined that movie for me
timsl17: it's such a great movie, and seeing that was like
timsl17: well, now i know how it feels to be a muslim seeing the koran get thrown in a toilet
timsl17: or a muslim seeing a building not being blown up
timsl17: sorry, that was an unfair generalization
timsl17: i meant to say a building full of innocent American children, preferably Jews

nashavirata: i think 75% of what you have of me in your profile is about rape
TunnelArmr: well, if you want to clear your name and talk about puppies or something, now's your chance
nashavirata: like....coercing them into having sex with me?

chiIled: i got home and literally within 5 minutes i am drinking a beer, eating fried chicken, and looking at porn
chiIled: but i suppose you could argue that it's not really home until you have beer, fried chicken, and porn anyway

mjorganism: you're an inspiration to others
mjorganism: which is probably not a good thing

TunnelArmr: why did you write LOL across your boobs?
mjorganism: because I had a pen

TunnelArmr: GET ON GOOOOOGLETALK
KiyreEatsTrees: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIECRISP

TunnelArmr: who has a weirder last name, Jason Mraz or Elvis Grbac?
KiyreEatsTrees: elvis grbac
KiyreEatsTrees: i didn't think the z was that weird
KiyreEatsTrees: it's more like
KiyreEatsTrees: mra? z, oh wait, his name is already over
KiyreEatsTrees: but the other is like gr... grb, ac??

chiIled: firefox doesnt care about black people

skells528: no std's please

nashavirata: statutory rape jokes don't need to be accentuated with incestuous overtones
nashavirata: seeing as i am already all over the statutory rape

KiyreEatsTrees: i was going to say some genuinely bewildered statement about how ridiculous the situation in new orleans is
KiyreEatsTrees: but i couldn't think of anything that didn't remind me of the conversation from right after the big anchorman brawl



chiIled: i'll pick you up
TunnelArmr: ok
TunnelArmr: I have to put on pants
TunnelArmr: or rather, fake pants
chiIled: if "fake pants" turns out to be "no pants" you are not getting in my car

nashavirata: i just told my friend here that i was going to cut his balls off with scissors piece by piece and make him eat them
nashavirata: we have so much in common

timsl17: do you think there's going to be prison rape?
timsl17: i hope there's going to be prison rape
timsl17: think
timsl17: i accidentally said hope

counter23feit: i'm going to go cry in the corner, and masturbate to back issues of FHM

KiyreEatsTrees: i love it when the receipt i need is in the laziness pile instead of in my receipts folder
KiyreEatsTrees: for convenient access
KiyreEatsTrees: i wonder if they make piling cabinets

TunnelArmr: help, I've run out of things to humorously photoshop
timsl17: your life is so hard
timsl17: how do you go on?



On giving blood:
TunnelArmr: if you've ever prostituted yourself, you're disqualified
Poshua: yes
Poshua: "accepted money or drugs for sex"
Poshua: I feel like that would pull in a lot of trophy wives

TunnelArmr: New Orleans should be renamed Resident Evil: The City
KiyreEatsTrees: it is a pretty bad place to be
KiyreEatsTrees: i don't know if it's zombie-bad, though
KiyreEatsTrees: ..................................................................yet!!!

counter23feit: i wonder what North Korea would do
TunnelArmr: WWNKD
counter23feit: i prefer "WWDPRKD"

jen one45: I'm having a moment
TunnelArmr: is that slang for your period?
jen one45: way to steal my thunder



TunnelArmr: kepler's closed today
KiyreEatsTrees: WEIRD
KiyreEatsTrees: maybe that building was just a wormhole to a central kepler's
KiyreEatsTrees: much like how every in-n-out works
KiyreEatsTrees: except the central kepler's was in louisiana

nashavirata: that's also why i call my boyfriend's penis optimus prime

KiyreEatsTrees: JEEWWWSS

KiyreEatsTrees: chuzzle kind of loses its appeal without homework to do

pajamest: i don't capitalize, and i rarely punctuate
pajamest: except for that comma.
pajamest: and that period.
pajamest: shit.

chiIled: if you listen real carefully, i think "rachel ngermnameepothong" is actually what q-bert says when the snakes get him

chiIled: fox news had coverage of people drinking in the streets in a "pre-hurricane party"
chiIled: that is like "dude icarus you're pretty high up there"

counter23feit: i told you, save anal for marriage
counter23feit: and little boys

At 11 pm:
Me: "What do you want to do?"
Philip: "Is there anywhere we could buy puppies?"

pajamest: you look like a rapist
TunnelArmr: that may be, but you're still dating one of the Wet Bandits
pajamest: joke's on you, bucko
pajamest: I don't even understand that reference!

Poshua: wait your birthday is sep 9
Poshua: and your brother's is sep 8?
Poshua: I wouldn't knock on your parents' door late at night in december
Poshua: what about the other brother?
TunnelArmr: January 15th
Poshua: well that can be explained as a departure from your parents' normal mating cycle due to celebratory tax-refund sex

TunnelArmr: so close, yet so far
TunnelArmr: too bad
JakeV: maybe you could focus on the glass being 99.5% full

TunnelArmr: she's our sugar mama
skells528: that's awesome
skells528: i need one, but in the daddy form

TunnelArmr: maybe I could get her a book called Statutory Rape for Dummies
skells528: preston got me lacrosse for dummies
skells528: and i would have to say thats about the same in offensiveness
skells528: because i clearly know how to play lax
skells528: and she clearly knows how to rape statutorically

chicajlp: yeah, but they have the word bial in their title
TunnelArmr: but it's not pronounced like "bile is disgusting and acidic," it's pronounced like "I'd like to spank Jessica Biel and call her a naughty girl"
TunnelArmr: she and I could also play Guess Who?, best 2 out of 3, instead
TunnelArmr: I'm just throwing things out there
chicajlp: you should stop throwing

KiyreEatsTrees: tommy lee jones has epic earlobes

TunnelArmr: they charge you $3.50 to print out your tickets at home so they can just scan the barcode at the gate
TunnelArmr: that makes NO SENSE
chiIled: you have pinpointed the metaphorical anus into which they are inserting their metaphorical phallus

counter23feit: could you even make a sausage out of rat placenta?
TunnelArmr: you can make a sausage out of anything
TunnelArmr: sausage is latin for "mash some shit up and put an edible condom around it"
counter23feit: mmmm
counter23feit: i'm hungry now
counter23feit: i think i'm going to chop up that side of beef in the fridge and stuff it into a Durex Extra Sensitive

My life in two sentences:
counter23feit: i decided that my destiny is to write commercials
counter23feit: but i've also decided not to fulfill my destiny because i'm too lazy



TunnelArmr: where would be a good place to find a non-photograph picture of an old school plane?
KiyreEatsTrees: probably google.com

TunnelArmr: I accidentally typed my google search terms as an IM to you
TunnelArmr: good thing I stopped myself, since they were "mongolian midget porn downloads"
mjorganism: I KNEW IT
mjorganism: I'd take off a chunk of that Mongolian beef

KiyreEatsTrees: i'm trying to list all the movies i've seen in my imdb "my movies"
KiyreEatsTrees: i started with one movie and added it
KiyreEatsTrees: then i clicked a bunch of familiar actors from that movie and added movies from their credits
KiyreEatsTrees: it's like infinity degrees of kevin bacon
KiyreEatsTrees: it's a good thing i'm unemployed

chicajlp: you feel really strongly about abnormal things
chicajlp: like some feel really strongly about jesus
chicajlp: you feel strongly about berry filling

TunnelArmr: Have you ever paid for a whole iTunes album just to get one "album only" song?
KiyreEatsTrees: don't tell me you actually bought an entire album just for one song
KiyreEatsTrees: i'm actually mystified that you even buy singles
KiyreEatsTrees: i've heard how you listen to music; that 30-second sample ought to be enough

After a discussion of compounding interest:
KiyreEatsTrees: we should convince someone to open a bank with 20% interest rates
KiyreEatsTrees: and they'd be like NO WAY !!!!!
KiyreEatsTrees: but then we could just be like, hey, it's ok, we'll only deposit a dollar
KiyreEatsTrees: wait wait
KiyreEatsTrees: we'd be like, "hey, it's ok, we'll only deposit a dollar "

On The Usual Suspects:
KiyreEatsTrees: the first time i saw it, i was like whuuh
KiyreEatsTrees: until the ending
KiyreEatsTrees: when i was like wow, amazing!
KiyreEatsTrees: so then a few months later i decided to watch it again, and halfway through it was like oh wait, the entire movie doesn't matter
KiyreEatsTrees: so, is that good? i can't tell

KiyreEatsTrees: there should be an imdb forum signature drinking game

TunnelArmr: you know what is weird?
TunnelArmr: chicken little is male
TunnelArmr: but all chickens are female
TunnelArmr: he's not a rooster
KiyreEatsTrees: you seem to have discovered chicken little's disturbing secret

chiIled: put your exp bar where your mouth is homie

mjorganism: munch munch munch MMMM good UTERUS
mjorganism: THANK YOU

On her sister's charity work:
mindymunki: she spends her time volunteering at the retard farm down the street

TunnelArmr: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Patrick_Seminary%2C_Menlo_Park
TunnelArmr: that is probably as long as the entries for things like "electricity"
mjorganism: after reading this, I will know more about the seminary than I do about electricity
mjorganism: right now I think of electricity as "that thing that is represented by a lightning bolt icon in most instances"

chiIled: why am I still playing world of warcraft, AT WORK?!
chiIled: answer: lol

TunnelArmr: are you hungry?
chiIled: yes
TunnelArmr: where do you want to go?
chiIled: foodtown

counter23feit: it is probably 90 degrees here and 80% humidity
counter23feit: at 10 PM
counter23feit: on the other hand
counter23feit: everyone is white
counter23feit: so we'll call it even

mjorganism: NOBODY in this neighborhood even has a wireless network.
mjorganism: It's so depressing.
mjorganism: I was considering venturing to the 24-hour truck stop in Ripon, since they have wifi, but they also have the horny trucker rape

pajamest: now, i know i've never met your brother
pajamest: but from what i understand
pajamest: him calling you sick is akin to josh barro calling you opinionated
pajamest: or gay
pajamest: way to go, champ



timsl17: i've never actually played mouse trap
timsl17: only set it up
timsl17: and once i set it up, i never actually set it off
timsl17: i just thought, well i know what happens from here

KiyreEatsTrees: she is opting for not chicken
TunnelArmr: what a slut
KiyreEatsTrees: seriously
KiyreEatsTrees: i was like
KiyreEatsTrees: ok, we could go eat spicy chicken, or you could just go hump hundreds of dudes, AGAIN

hangwidave: ohhh, I bet they have funnel cake
TunnelArmr: but what if all the carnival employees leave for Funnel Cake Carnival at IHOP while we're atop the ferris wheel?
hangwidave: look, I consider you a good friend. But we are not riding the ferris wheel

KiyreEatsTrees: godaddy.com is amazing
KiyreEatsTrees: every page is like 90% ads
KiyreEatsTrees: it's like where's waldo, except it's "where's the one button that won't charge 10 new domains to my creditcard"
KiyreEatsTrees: that title will probably have to be made more concise before they can make a children's book out of it



TunnelArmr: this is your problem
TunnelArmr: you're missing great comedy and listening to Dane Cook instead
KiyreEatsTrees: first of all, dane cook is a genius
KiyreEatsTrees: second, maybe you should get some tictacs and shove them in your EYES!! EEAAAAUUUUUHHHHHGGG

KiyreEatsTrees: realplayer is totally the ralph nader of streaming media
KiyreEatsTrees: it's like: GO AWAY

TunnelArmr: DUDE
TunnelArmr: I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST MOMENT
KiyreEatsTrees: did you just give birth?

counter23feit: no hot girls are named "Hilary"
TunnelArmr: what about Hilary Duff?
counter23feit: fuck
counter23feit: i guess i'm going to have to break down and finally say this: i made an incorrect absolute statement

TunnelArmr: it turns out that if you eat a handful of salted peanuts and then eat a cherry while you're still chewing them, it tastes like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
shaemaureslt: i don't believe you
shaemaureslt: but i guess you are the authority on the subject

counter23feit: i ran into one of my high school baseball teammates at the Angels game tonight, and he's kind of a weird guy and not really that good-looking or anything, and he was with a girl who was melt-the-elastic-in-your-underwear hot
TunnelArmr: that's pretty hot
TunnelArmr: are you sure he wasn't on a date with the core of the earth, star of the movie The Core?
counter23feit: it's possible that she may have been the corona of the sun

TunnelArmr: I wish that, for humor purposes, people's good metabolisms would slow down overnight
TunnelArmr: so that when you were 38 you'd go to bed thin and wake up tubby
chicajlp: that's what menopause is, dude

Me: "It must be nice to finally have a dishwasher in your apartment."
Glenn: "Yeah, and when Christine's not around, it's nice to have the machine that does it too."

KiyreEatsTrees: it is like WOW
KiyreEatsTrees: you are paying $800 a month for the smallest, dirtiest apartment i have seen
KiyreEatsTrees: and i lived in isla vista, california for three years